Here's a twist:
NOT GEEK
OMG this looks GREAT! So freakin' awesome... the trailers look great, and did you hear DAFT PUNK is doing the soundtrack? The first movie was early electronica as far as the soundtrack, so the producers this time around got THE PREMIER electronica artists of 2010 for this! Is liking Daft Punk not geeky? Let's save that question for someone else's blog, "Hipster/Not Hipster."
GEEK
Dude.
People have been nutting themselves over this movie for months, and the first trailer(s) looked great. I was going to link them (for science) but could not easily find an embedded one, so I just gave up. ... Because I am a Geek, and therefore I weigh 300+ pounds, never shave, and sweat easily. Etc. Etc.
TRAILER ONE: Leaked on the net, it was just two random dudes on their light-cycles. I was cynical, but I let it slide: It's the light cycles. That's like making an X-Men movie and only showing Wolverine in the trailer. Or making a Monopoly movie, and only showing the racecar. It's what we want, but it's not indicative of the final product.
TRAILER TWO: This is the one that gave everyone wood. Slow mood-building, Bruce Boxleitner cameo (that guy looks familiar...), then BAM, score switches to electronic and we're seeing a towering, extremely familiar image of a Space Paranoid. Then the crazy guy with the air guitar. Then the hot chick on the sofa. Then Young Bridges. ZOMG WTF LOL AHHHH.
I watched this trailer about 197 times, and the first 196... okay, let me excise hyperbole (I don't really talk like that in real life): I watched the trailer literally about ten times the first week or so it was out, and after about a dozen, it started to crack for me.
I thought, "Why show these specific elements? They look cool, but what are they telling me about the story?"
Answer: Nothing.
These are things in every single story Hollywood creates. I read this in a review of a movie you and I have already forgotten about, the CGI-animated "Nine" starring celebrity voices and with Tim Burton's name in the credits because it sells tickets. But it applies to most movies: Stock characters. (1) Hero. (2) The friend of the hero/wacky comic relief who has some inherent flaw, but is there as a sounding board/deus ex machine so our hero completes the task. (3) Wise sage (4) A girl. (5) The bad guy.
Go down your mental rolodex. Yes, I just listed the cast for every Shrek and Toy Story film. And I'm not being pretentious, I really really loved Toy Story 1-2 and the first Shrek movie. I haven't seen Toy Story 3 because I am old and you need to get the hell off my lawn.
Anyway: Tron Legacy. These are just the standard movie stock characters. The hero (Flynn Jr), the friend of the hero (Bruce Boxleitner), the wise sage (quite probably Old Bridges), a girl (Olivia Wilde, who at least in the trailer serves no other purpose than to look hot and help the hero out. Really? She can't be the hero? She seems to know her way around weaponry. But this being Disney, it is her job to be pretty and tell the hero "You can do it!"), and the bad guy (presumably Young Flynn).
Well now as stylistic as the trailer is, I'm sorta cranky. But no, I tell myself. Even though everyone is super-excited for this movie, even those people who were born AFTER the original came out (1982), I will STILL withhold judgment. It's just a trailer. They make it to have as broad of an appeal as possible. TOP MEN are working on this film. TOP.... MEN.
I even ignored my own rule about, "It can't be 5-Star movie if it's the director's first film." Cuz it is. The new director has done commercials, but that's it. Then again, the director of the original Tron only ever directed the original Tron. There's wiggle-room.
THEN CAME THE MOST RECENT TRAILER. Clearly buzz is deafening for the flick, because people watched this piece of shit and ARE STILL BUZZED ABOUT THE MOVIE. You remember in Zoolander where Zoolander kept giving the same look, and Will Ferrell was all like, "AM I TAKING F&%# CRAZY PILLS?!!"
It's like that.
I am by no means a video game afficionado, and have played far fewer games than I have seen movies or even owned CD's. But while young-Bridges in the first trailer (seen only briefly) looks like simply an old-Bridges with major air-brushing (see also: Benjamin Button), in the new trailer, young-Bridges face moves, and IT LOOKS WORSE THAN VIDEO GAMES FROM 2005. Like it's not even remotely fooling anyone. Or, apparently it's fooling EVERYONE, because nobody seems to notice. It looks like ASS. It looks less-realistic than the skeletons in Pirates of the Caribbean, and that movie is five years old TOO. Do they just figure, screw it, we spent enough money, people won't notice because nobody cried foul about Gollum?
... Okay, Gollum was shot dark, but he didn't have to look human. But when he shared the screen with a real person, it looked bad, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone here.
CGI-Bridges looks like shit. We still know nothing about the story. It's a first-time director.
While I am not without a childlike sense of joy, and am currently twitching in a POSITIVE way about other movies opening between now and Christmas, every single thing I've seen about Tron: Legacy points to a Phantom Menace-esque experience, or best-case scenario, Revenge of the Sith.
And while Revenge of the Sith was clearly the best of the New Three, it couldn't hold a candle to the Original Trilogy, and we all know this.
Seriously, when was the last time Disney put out quality anything? Even Pixar wasn't their doing; Pixar owned them so many times that eventually Disney shut down its own hand-drawn animation department. Because they got BEAT. By an upstart company with ACTUAL TALENT.
I am too young to be old and cynical. But the movie looks like a C+, and while de-rezzing gladiators looks pretty cool, the actual human fight choreography looks like shit, or at least the 1.5 seconds they've bothered to put in the trailer. And trust me, if it looked good, there'd be more of it.
On the upside, the entire soundtrack is on YouTube, and it is awesome.
Bring on Harry Potter. Bring on 127 Hours. Bring on True Grit.
Let's do this thing.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Are You There God? It's Me, Warren
Dear Almighty,
If you don't exist, no one's reading this. If you do exist... are you there, God? It's me, Warren.
I had a terrifying thought today, and I was hoping you of all Entities could take care of that. There may or may not be other entities to choose from, but I just want you to know I'm coming to you first, as a token of goodwill, and because my parents had me baptized when I was too young to know what I was getting myself into.
Going about my business the other day, I realized with depressing horror that someday Christopher Walken is going to die.
Please, I beseech you: We cannot let this happen. I cannot let this happen, and You cannot let this happen. So I am writing to You. And even though every human ever born has eventually died, I pray to you that just this once, in this one lone case, you will make an exception.
Other humans might say, isn't there a more worthy cause? What about doctors, and healers, and moral authorities, and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters? What about really really sexy people?
Almighty, Christopher Walken is all of these. All of these and more.
John Malkovich is intimidatingly intelligent, but is he Christopher Walken? No, he certainly isn't.
Nelson Mandela brought an entire nation together, but did he ever make you remember a wristwatch in the same way Christopher Walken did?
Chuck Norris has perhaps kicked more ass than You have created asses, and he also has a beard that most of your followers are pretty sure you wear. But does Chuck Norris really make us think of eggplant in the same way as Christopher Walken?
Can John Malkovich, or Nelson Mandela, or Chuck Norris.... DANCE, like Christopher Walken?
No almighty, they cannot.
Christopher Walken has done many good works, and the most important of these is being Christopher Walken. He has inspired, terrified, and done that thing with his voice. To deprive the world of Christopher Walken is to steal away for generations and generations the sheer unique wonder that is... he. Generations today do not appreciate Humphrey Bogart, or Malcolm X, or FDR in the same way as they did in their heyday because their work is now quantifiable. It had a limited time on this earth, as we all do, and then it saw an end.
For Christopher Walken there must be no end. To deprive future humans of Christopher Walken would be to deprive them of a tree, or a rainstorm, or the songs of birds chirping as the orange sun rises over the horizon. It would be like omitting an entire sexual position from the repertoire of every human beyond the year 2010. Generations forward will speak of it with quiet awe, but none will believe any of it ever really existed.
For if... if INDEED you are the Almighty, then there is room for someone who lives as long but still walks and works upon this Earth. Your reasons that we all must die, "For everything there is a season..." And we would all know that we do have a season. And some young, untried soul might pipe up and say, "But why doesn't Christopher Walken's season end?"
To which we, the wise, will reply, "Because he's Christopher Fucking Walken."
I know you're good with this, and are a fan of His works. And even though I'm pretty sure it's apocryphal, I'm really sorry my relative ate that apple. Do-over?
Warmest Personal Regards,
A fan of yours but not all of your followers,
A fan of Christopher Walken's but not all his followers,
Pope-a-Dope
p.s. If it turns out you ARE Christopher Walken, is there really a reason to end the double-duty? Your mysterious ways make every film you're in awesome.
If you don't exist, no one's reading this. If you do exist... are you there, God? It's me, Warren.
I had a terrifying thought today, and I was hoping you of all Entities could take care of that. There may or may not be other entities to choose from, but I just want you to know I'm coming to you first, as a token of goodwill, and because my parents had me baptized when I was too young to know what I was getting myself into.
Going about my business the other day, I realized with depressing horror that someday Christopher Walken is going to die.
Please, I beseech you: We cannot let this happen. I cannot let this happen, and You cannot let this happen. So I am writing to You. And even though every human ever born has eventually died, I pray to you that just this once, in this one lone case, you will make an exception.
Other humans might say, isn't there a more worthy cause? What about doctors, and healers, and moral authorities, and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters? What about really really sexy people?
Almighty, Christopher Walken is all of these. All of these and more.
John Malkovich is intimidatingly intelligent, but is he Christopher Walken? No, he certainly isn't.
Nelson Mandela brought an entire nation together, but did he ever make you remember a wristwatch in the same way Christopher Walken did?
Chuck Norris has perhaps kicked more ass than You have created asses, and he also has a beard that most of your followers are pretty sure you wear. But does Chuck Norris really make us think of eggplant in the same way as Christopher Walken?
Can John Malkovich, or Nelson Mandela, or Chuck Norris.... DANCE, like Christopher Walken?
No almighty, they cannot.
Christopher Walken has done many good works, and the most important of these is being Christopher Walken. He has inspired, terrified, and done that thing with his voice. To deprive the world of Christopher Walken is to steal away for generations and generations the sheer unique wonder that is... he. Generations today do not appreciate Humphrey Bogart, or Malcolm X, or FDR in the same way as they did in their heyday because their work is now quantifiable. It had a limited time on this earth, as we all do, and then it saw an end.
For Christopher Walken there must be no end. To deprive future humans of Christopher Walken would be to deprive them of a tree, or a rainstorm, or the songs of birds chirping as the orange sun rises over the horizon. It would be like omitting an entire sexual position from the repertoire of every human beyond the year 2010. Generations forward will speak of it with quiet awe, but none will believe any of it ever really existed.
For if... if INDEED you are the Almighty, then there is room for someone who lives as long but still walks and works upon this Earth. Your reasons that we all must die, "For everything there is a season..." And we would all know that we do have a season. And some young, untried soul might pipe up and say, "But why doesn't Christopher Walken's season end?"
To which we, the wise, will reply, "Because he's Christopher Fucking Walken."
I know you're good with this, and are a fan of His works. And even though I'm pretty sure it's apocryphal, I'm really sorry my relative ate that apple. Do-over?
Warmest Personal Regards,
A fan of yours but not all of your followers,
A fan of Christopher Walken's but not all his followers,
Pope-a-Dope
p.s. If it turns out you ARE Christopher Walken, is there really a reason to end the double-duty? Your mysterious ways make every film you're in awesome.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
J for Jehovah
NOT GEEK
Well, this happened:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/8069472/Homer-Simpson-is-a-true-Catholic.html
Let me explain. No no, there is too much, let me sum up: The Vatican newspaper published a story about how, looking at the evidence, Homer J. Simpson (and son Bart) are true Catholics.
Yeah. Out of nowhere, right? Is this the Catholic Church trying to look cool, like a few months back when they declared "The Blues Brothers" to be a good Christian movie? (yeah, that happened too: in case you missed it). Is the newspaper just getting more freedom now that the Pope is German? Much like the ingredients to Coke, we will never know, but one thing remains clear:
The Catholic Church is insane.
Now, I know a thing or two about the world. I watch The Daily Show and I once read half of a Time Magazine in the dentists' office, so already I'm more informed than the entire Fox News demographic. And I know Catholics don't like being called insane. It's rude. And while I may not hold their beliefs, I respect their right to congregate, and hold meetings, much like any other independent private organization, like AA, or Canada.
Then again, they follow a fictional character, and Homer Simpson is a fictional character, so I can see where they might get confused. But make no mistake: That article exists. Which we can only take to mean that the Catholic Church, or someone very high up within it, has watched all 20+ seasons of "The Simpsons."
That is time well spent. It's like finding out Barack Obama watches "Jersey Shore." No, I'm not linking anything here. It's too painful.
MY POINT: What the paper fails to mention, outside of Homer Simpson being a Catholic (apparently), is that if he IS a Catholic, he is of course going Hell. Yes, Hell. With a capital H. H for Homer.
"Oh," sayeth the article. "We get pop culture too! We are not your grandfathers' Catholic Church! We are hip, and with-it, and get the references! Being a Catholic is cool... like The Simpsons!"
Well first of all, Catholic Church, I'd like to commend you on updating your pop culture barometer from 1692, all the way up to 1992. That's quite a leap for you and I commend you. Now if you can just give the thumbs up to women going on the pill, we might be getting somewhere.
OFFICIAL 'HEP-CAT' PRESS RELEASE: "Homer Simpson is a Catholic!"
BEHIND THE MUSIC: If Homer Simpson were a Catholic, his Priest would slap the shit out of him, and while it isn't actually likely Bart was being touched inappropriately by a Catholic priest, if he WERE, we would transfer the priest to Shelbyville and say no more about it.
Or, to put it in a less offensive way, "If Homer Simpson were real, we would ex-communicate him, but since he's not, we're trying to drum up support via the use of his wacky antics."
The following is a list of all the cardinal sins to which Homer has succumbed. If you're guessing "seven" without even scrolling down.... well, Jesus Christ, you're right.
ENVY: He's constantly envying/stealing Flanders' shit. He even coveted Flanders' wife's ass, when she was alive (Maude Flanders R.I.P.)
SLOTH: Duh
LUST: Granted, it's usually for his wife ("And I know I was dreaming because usually I dream of naked.... Marge."), but he also goes to strip clubs all the time and whistles at women in bikinis. As opposed to, say, Smithers, who avoids such temptations because he is a good Christian man and entry into Heaven is assured.
GREED: Greed for BEER.
GLUTTONY: Further Duh.
... at this point I had to bust out Wikipedia, because even after the Brad Pitt movie I couldn't remember all seven, but if I ever get famous, don't worry... the Vatican will probably try and pin me as a Catholic, too.
WRATH: "Flanders was a zombie?"
PRIDE: You've seen Homer with his shirt off, and you know he knows he looks good. Also he's got a hot wife he has sex with a lot, which puts pretty much every guy into the "I'm bulletproof" mindset.
AND THEN THERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
1) "I am the Lord Thy God. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."
Homer Simpson: "Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
.... also, there was the episode where Homer sold his soul to the Devil, but then got out of it thanks to his lawyer proving his soul already belonged to Marge.
2) "No Graven Images, even though this is just a paraphrasing of the First Commandment."
I can paraphrase too, Bible. See?
(Homer is listening to football on his walkman in church)
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good!
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.
3) "Thou Shalt Not Take My Name in Vain, Even If It IS Only My First Name, Bro."
Homer says a lot of mean things about church, but can we all agree the only reason he doesn't swear more creatively is because of the Fox censors?
4) "Remember the Sabbath Day, Keep it Holy... Yadda Yadda Yadda."
They've done entire episodes about this.
Flanders: Sport on a Sunday? I don't kn--
Rev. Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned.
5) "Honor Thy Father & Mother"
Homer sure does love his mom. Homer sure does treat his dad like total shit. HILARIOUS shit.
6) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder."
Again, I turn you to my favorite Simpsons quote of all time, "Flanders Was a Zombie?" ... Maybe it's out-of-continuity cuz it was a Halloween episode, but I'm still pretty sure I've seen him touch the skin of an unclean animal, and I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible too. Right next to the part about slavery being okay and weed being an abomination.
And oh yeah.... FRANK. GRIMES.
7) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."
Now here's a tricky one. While it is technically true that Homer has never physically cheated on Marge, he has developed some emotional connections of which Marge wholly disapproved. Ask a guy what cheating is, he'll say, "Boning another chick." (because yes, we really talk like that). Ask a woman what cheating is, she's more likely to say, "Forming a close, emotional bond with another woman. Oh, and also, boning another chick."
It's interesting, though, that in addition to only sleeping with Marge since they were married, the implication is that he's only had sex with Marge, EVER. Then again, the show states he knocked up Marge right after high school, and Bart is ten, which means Homer is between 28-30 years old. Bullshit on THAT.
8) "Thou Shalt Not Steal."
Which episode was it where Homer tries to get out of paying his bar tab? ALL OF THEM.
9) "Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor." (also, thou shalt not neighbor false witness against thy bear).
Chief Wiggum: "Oh, yeah! You can pretty much legally kill a man in your own home."
Homer: Flanders, get over here!
Ned: High-dilly-hi!
Chief Wiggum: It doesn't count of you invite him in.
Homer: Aw. Get lost, Flanders.
Ned: Toodly-doo!
... yes, that's not the same thing as saying, "Ned killed that guy," but it's still funny.
10) "Thou Shalt Not Covet."
We covered this in the Sin list, but,
"Your wife's BUTT, is higher than my wife's BUTT...."
This is not to say Homer wanted to get with Maude, but as everyone knows, religious girls are absolutely freaky in bed. Then again, Ned has an 18-inch penis, so it's unlikely Homer was going to be able to get the job done, unless Maude had a secret fetish for fat alcoholics.
So, 7 of 7 on the sins, and 8 or 9 out of 10 on the commandments, depending on your definition of "adultery." And it's not like the Catholic church is soft on this; breaking just one Commandment puts you into Hell these days. Unless you repent on your deathbed, which is exactly what Homer has stated he plans on doing.
"Well," you might argue, "At least it's getting people talking about Catholicism. Which is only the point, really. I mean, it made you google the Ten Commandments."
Yes, that is true. It's also 1:30 a.m. and I've already forgotten them again. Also I have porn open in another window while I download Swedish Death Metal so I have something to listen to in the car tomorrow while driving to get an abortion. No, not for a woman... I'm having an abortion my ownself. Because I'm an American. Just like Homer Simpson.
Meanwhile:
If JUST Bart and Homer are Catholics, where does that leave the rest of the, as George W. Bush would say, "Nuke-yu-lar" family?
BART - Also Catholic, at least according to the Vatican. Which makes sense, considering in the movie you could totally see his penis, and as we all know, the Catholic church totally loves ten-year-old boy penis.
YES. I JUST WENT THERE. It was an easy joke and you're laughing right now, so we're all going to Hell together. But not as far down as pedophile Catholic priests. Or any pedophile, really.
LISA - Buddhist. She tries to convert her family all the time. You know who never tries to convert anyone? Homer and Bart. Yes, this sounds exactly like the behavior of Catholics. And Buddhists.
MAGGIE - Well, we can't understand anything she's saying, and she definitely killed a guy. By Republican rhetoric, she must therefore be Muslim, but that's a lame joke and a bad one. Plus I'm pretty sure she eats bacon, so... Really, she freeloads off Marge and never gets a job. So she's a Liberal and will probably one day take part in an anti-meat protest outside of a college campus. C'mon, she's the third sibling: the best AND worst of her two older ones. She is dangerous, and you know this. And you can't find a court in this land who will convict a baby. Except maybe in Texas.
MARGE - Attends Church regularly, turns the other cheek, insists her family attend Church as well, calls Homer on his shenanigans and makes him set things right. Her hairstyle went out-of-date when JFK was still alive. While she didn't wait until marriage to have sex, she did marry the first (and only) man she ever had sex with. So... yes, whether she be Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Epsicopalian, Mormon or Jehovah's Witness, Marge is truly the best Catholic of the bunch, and a good Christian all around, who sets an amazing, patient, and wholesome example of what a Christian should be.
Except the Vatican newspaper didn't mention that.
Because it's the Vatican and they hate women.
LET'S ALL SAY THREE HAIL MARYS AND DO THE HOKEY-POKEY.
GEEK:
I haven't watched The Simpsons since 2004. Who the FUCK still watches "The Simpsons?"
You know who's actually a Catholic? Peter Griffin. Literally. The show says so.
Well, this happened:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/8069472/Homer-Simpson-is-a-true-Catholic.html
Let me explain. No no, there is too much, let me sum up: The Vatican newspaper published a story about how, looking at the evidence, Homer J. Simpson (and son Bart) are true Catholics.
Yeah. Out of nowhere, right? Is this the Catholic Church trying to look cool, like a few months back when they declared "The Blues Brothers" to be a good Christian movie? (yeah, that happened too: in case you missed it). Is the newspaper just getting more freedom now that the Pope is German? Much like the ingredients to Coke, we will never know, but one thing remains clear:
The Catholic Church is insane.
Now, I know a thing or two about the world. I watch The Daily Show and I once read half of a Time Magazine in the dentists' office, so already I'm more informed than the entire Fox News demographic. And I know Catholics don't like being called insane. It's rude. And while I may not hold their beliefs, I respect their right to congregate, and hold meetings, much like any other independent private organization, like AA, or Canada.
Then again, they follow a fictional character, and Homer Simpson is a fictional character, so I can see where they might get confused. But make no mistake: That article exists. Which we can only take to mean that the Catholic Church, or someone very high up within it, has watched all 20+ seasons of "The Simpsons."
That is time well spent. It's like finding out Barack Obama watches "Jersey Shore." No, I'm not linking anything here. It's too painful.
MY POINT: What the paper fails to mention, outside of Homer Simpson being a Catholic (apparently), is that if he IS a Catholic, he is of course going Hell. Yes, Hell. With a capital H. H for Homer.
"Oh," sayeth the article. "We get pop culture too! We are not your grandfathers' Catholic Church! We are hip, and with-it, and get the references! Being a Catholic is cool... like The Simpsons!"
Well first of all, Catholic Church, I'd like to commend you on updating your pop culture barometer from 1692, all the way up to 1992. That's quite a leap for you and I commend you. Now if you can just give the thumbs up to women going on the pill, we might be getting somewhere.
OFFICIAL 'HEP-CAT' PRESS RELEASE: "Homer Simpson is a Catholic!"
BEHIND THE MUSIC: If Homer Simpson were a Catholic, his Priest would slap the shit out of him, and while it isn't actually likely Bart was being touched inappropriately by a Catholic priest, if he WERE, we would transfer the priest to Shelbyville and say no more about it.
Or, to put it in a less offensive way, "If Homer Simpson were real, we would ex-communicate him, but since he's not, we're trying to drum up support via the use of his wacky antics."
The following is a list of all the cardinal sins to which Homer has succumbed. If you're guessing "seven" without even scrolling down.... well, Jesus Christ, you're right.
ENVY: He's constantly envying/stealing Flanders' shit. He even coveted Flanders' wife's ass, when she was alive (Maude Flanders R.I.P.)
SLOTH: Duh
LUST: Granted, it's usually for his wife ("And I know I was dreaming because usually I dream of naked.... Marge."), but he also goes to strip clubs all the time and whistles at women in bikinis. As opposed to, say, Smithers, who avoids such temptations because he is a good Christian man and entry into Heaven is assured.
GREED: Greed for BEER.
GLUTTONY: Further Duh.
... at this point I had to bust out Wikipedia, because even after the Brad Pitt movie I couldn't remember all seven, but if I ever get famous, don't worry... the Vatican will probably try and pin me as a Catholic, too.
WRATH: "Flanders was a zombie?"
PRIDE: You've seen Homer with his shirt off, and you know he knows he looks good. Also he's got a hot wife he has sex with a lot, which puts pretty much every guy into the "I'm bulletproof" mindset.
AND THEN THERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
1) "I am the Lord Thy God. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."
Homer Simpson: "Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
.... also, there was the episode where Homer sold his soul to the Devil, but then got out of it thanks to his lawyer proving his soul already belonged to Marge.
2) "No Graven Images, even though this is just a paraphrasing of the First Commandment."
I can paraphrase too, Bible. See?
(Homer is listening to football on his walkman in church)
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good!
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.
3) "Thou Shalt Not Take My Name in Vain, Even If It IS Only My First Name, Bro."
Homer says a lot of mean things about church, but can we all agree the only reason he doesn't swear more creatively is because of the Fox censors?
4) "Remember the Sabbath Day, Keep it Holy... Yadda Yadda Yadda."
They've done entire episodes about this.
Flanders: Sport on a Sunday? I don't kn--
Rev. Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned.
5) "Honor Thy Father & Mother"
Homer sure does love his mom. Homer sure does treat his dad like total shit. HILARIOUS shit.
6) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder."
Again, I turn you to my favorite Simpsons quote of all time, "Flanders Was a Zombie?" ... Maybe it's out-of-continuity cuz it was a Halloween episode, but I'm still pretty sure I've seen him touch the skin of an unclean animal, and I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible too. Right next to the part about slavery being okay and weed being an abomination.
And oh yeah.... FRANK. GRIMES.
7) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."
Now here's a tricky one. While it is technically true that Homer has never physically cheated on Marge, he has developed some emotional connections of which Marge wholly disapproved. Ask a guy what cheating is, he'll say, "Boning another chick." (because yes, we really talk like that). Ask a woman what cheating is, she's more likely to say, "Forming a close, emotional bond with another woman. Oh, and also, boning another chick."
It's interesting, though, that in addition to only sleeping with Marge since they were married, the implication is that he's only had sex with Marge, EVER. Then again, the show states he knocked up Marge right after high school, and Bart is ten, which means Homer is between 28-30 years old. Bullshit on THAT.
8) "Thou Shalt Not Steal."
Which episode was it where Homer tries to get out of paying his bar tab? ALL OF THEM.
9) "Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor." (also, thou shalt not neighbor false witness against thy bear).
Chief Wiggum: "Oh, yeah! You can pretty much legally kill a man in your own home."
Homer: Flanders, get over here!
Ned: High-dilly-hi!
Chief Wiggum: It doesn't count of you invite him in.
Homer: Aw. Get lost, Flanders.
Ned: Toodly-doo!
... yes, that's not the same thing as saying, "Ned killed that guy," but it's still funny.
10) "Thou Shalt Not Covet."
We covered this in the Sin list, but,
"Your wife's BUTT, is higher than my wife's BUTT...."
This is not to say Homer wanted to get with Maude, but as everyone knows, religious girls are absolutely freaky in bed. Then again, Ned has an 18-inch penis, so it's unlikely Homer was going to be able to get the job done, unless Maude had a secret fetish for fat alcoholics.
So, 7 of 7 on the sins, and 8 or 9 out of 10 on the commandments, depending on your definition of "adultery." And it's not like the Catholic church is soft on this; breaking just one Commandment puts you into Hell these days. Unless you repent on your deathbed, which is exactly what Homer has stated he plans on doing.
"Well," you might argue, "At least it's getting people talking about Catholicism. Which is only the point, really. I mean, it made you google the Ten Commandments."
Yes, that is true. It's also 1:30 a.m. and I've already forgotten them again. Also I have porn open in another window while I download Swedish Death Metal so I have something to listen to in the car tomorrow while driving to get an abortion. No, not for a woman... I'm having an abortion my ownself. Because I'm an American. Just like Homer Simpson.
Meanwhile:
If JUST Bart and Homer are Catholics, where does that leave the rest of the, as George W. Bush would say, "Nuke-yu-lar" family?
BART - Also Catholic, at least according to the Vatican. Which makes sense, considering in the movie you could totally see his penis, and as we all know, the Catholic church totally loves ten-year-old boy penis.
YES. I JUST WENT THERE. It was an easy joke and you're laughing right now, so we're all going to Hell together. But not as far down as pedophile Catholic priests. Or any pedophile, really.
LISA - Buddhist. She tries to convert her family all the time. You know who never tries to convert anyone? Homer and Bart. Yes, this sounds exactly like the behavior of Catholics. And Buddhists.
MAGGIE - Well, we can't understand anything she's saying, and she definitely killed a guy. By Republican rhetoric, she must therefore be Muslim, but that's a lame joke and a bad one. Plus I'm pretty sure she eats bacon, so... Really, she freeloads off Marge and never gets a job. So she's a Liberal and will probably one day take part in an anti-meat protest outside of a college campus. C'mon, she's the third sibling: the best AND worst of her two older ones. She is dangerous, and you know this. And you can't find a court in this land who will convict a baby. Except maybe in Texas.
MARGE - Attends Church regularly, turns the other cheek, insists her family attend Church as well, calls Homer on his shenanigans and makes him set things right. Her hairstyle went out-of-date when JFK was still alive. While she didn't wait until marriage to have sex, she did marry the first (and only) man she ever had sex with. So... yes, whether she be Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Epsicopalian, Mormon or Jehovah's Witness, Marge is truly the best Catholic of the bunch, and a good Christian all around, who sets an amazing, patient, and wholesome example of what a Christian should be.
Except the Vatican newspaper didn't mention that.
Because it's the Vatican and they hate women.
LET'S ALL SAY THREE HAIL MARYS AND DO THE HOKEY-POKEY.
GEEK:
I haven't watched The Simpsons since 2004. Who the FUCK still watches "The Simpsons?"
You know who's actually a Catholic? Peter Griffin. Literally. The show says so.
Monday, September 27, 2010
From the Files of WG Harding
I needed writing samples to apply for a job, and I don't have any of my journalism stuff in digital format. This is because I am very old and I wrote for newspapers in Houston, Denton, and Ft. Worth before the internet was invented.
So I slapped something together that met the journalism format. I hope someone finds this at least a little amusing.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Witnesses at a local GameStop were shocked and horrified to be trampled in a near riot Tuesday, when apparently an influx of video game enthusiasts stormed the door just past 1 a.m., as the manager was about to close the doors.
"It was the worst stampede I ever seen,” said Mary Wilson, 29, of Issaquah. “I was just up here to get a copy of Halo Reach for my 8-year-old son, and all of a sudden there were all these dudes running up toward the store like they was being chased. Except they weren’t being chased.”
So I slapped something together that met the journalism format. I hope someone finds this at least a little amusing.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Witnesses at a local GameStop were shocked and horrified to be trampled in a near riot Tuesday, when apparently an influx of video game enthusiasts stormed the door just past 1 a.m., as the manager was about to close the doors.
"It was the worst stampede I ever seen,” said Mary Wilson, 29, of Issaquah. “I was just up here to get a copy of Halo Reach for my 8-year-old son, and all of a sudden there were all these dudes running up toward the store like they was being chased. Except they weren’t being chased.”
Witnesses at the scene were few, but those in attendance did use a variety of words to describe their predicament, in the range of “horrifying” and “pants-tightening.”
"There were three or four video games that came out that night, and of course we always stay open until after midnight on release days,” said local GameStop Manager Keith Adamthwaite.
But this particular evening, Adamthwaite saw something he says he’s never seen in 20 years in the business.
“They ran up just after one o’clock,” said Adamthwaite. “There must’ve been 40 or 50 of them… I thought maybe there was a fire or something had exploded, and they were running to use our phone or something.
“But as it turns out, they had just been in an hour before, and were all there to return copies of a really horrible game.”
There was no damage to the property, said Adamthwaite, but he also said he hadn’t stopped looking, and that he had “received reports on the B-button on the Xbox demo,” which he was currently investigating.
“I couldn’t tell you what game it was… this might get back to the developers,” said Adamthwaite. “And I have a business to run.”
Adamthwaite would only say the game was NOT Halo Reach, which has been released two weeks prior.
“I mean, sure, everyone LOVED that game,” said GameStop employee Susan B. Anthony, 19, of West Seattle. “But the summer is dying down and I guess people wanted something to play on the side, but this game… I mean, I HEARD, since I don’t really play games, but THIS game was apparently really bad.”
By 1:45 a.m., the entire crowd had dispersed, some with store credit and some with cash on hand.
“It was the single most horrifying night of my life,” said Adamthwaite. “They were a diverse bunch, don’t get me wrong… tall, short, skinny, fat, pasty, tan, even a couple parents with their kids… but when I saw the look of rabid hunger in their eyes… I felt genuine fear for my safety.”
None of the other customers could be reached for comment, but shortly before presstime, the Gazette did receive one anonymous email.
“It’s his own fault for selling crappy games,” the email read, in part. “He had a poster of this thing on the wall for a month, like somehow it was on par with Halo Reach in terms of interactivity, production design, budget, story, and really cool explosions."
“It was all a lie. I feel violated.”
Adamthwaite had no comment. Representatives of Microsoft were contacted, but all they could do was point and laugh.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Autumn Dilemma
NOT GEEK
DUDE. It's football season.
GEEK
Football sucks. Play some video games. Read a book.
NOT GEEK
FUCK YOU. This is the year North Texas goes 0-12. Plus you can go right down the street and watch the Huskies lose to real teams.
GEEK
TELEVISON. MOVIES. INTERNET. LATE NIGHT JAPANESE ANIMATION. COMIC BOOKS.
NOT GEEK
CAR CHASES. FOOTBALL. HIGH-SPEED-COLLISIONS. VIOLENCE. DEFEATING THE ENEMY. BEEEEEEEEEEER.
GEEK
I'll shoot zombies, that's good enough for me.
NOT GEEK
Football is made into multiple video games EVERY YEAR. It's a mainstay on every console. Geeks should embrace the F$#CK out of that.
GEEK
Those games are entirely too complicated. If I wanted to actually play football, I could just swing my arm instead of angling the perfect nanosecond timing on an XBY-cross-arm bootleg R-button combo.
NOT GEEK
OH HO, so you admit you'd play football in real life.
GEEK
My last date was the same day your last date was, pal.
NOT GEEK
Now we're getting personal.
GEEK
We do both enjoy beer.
NOT GEEK
And boobies!
GEEK
And winning.
NOT GEEK
Agree to disagree?
GEEK
Boise State
NOT GEEK
Any team from the Big 12 that's not OU.
GEEK
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
NOT GEEK
You go play video games. See that hottie at the end of the bar? I'm-a slap her ass and ask her if she has any Texan in her.
GEEK
Then we can both nurse the black eye.... together...... playing...
NOT GEEK
..... video games.
AND.... SCENE.
not geek
north texas!!
DUDE. It's football season.
GEEK
Football sucks. Play some video games. Read a book.
NOT GEEK
FUCK YOU. This is the year North Texas goes 0-12. Plus you can go right down the street and watch the Huskies lose to real teams.
GEEK
TELEVISON. MOVIES. INTERNET. LATE NIGHT JAPANESE ANIMATION. COMIC BOOKS.
NOT GEEK
CAR CHASES. FOOTBALL. HIGH-SPEED-COLLISIONS. VIOLENCE. DEFEATING THE ENEMY. BEEEEEEEEEEER.
GEEK
I'll shoot zombies, that's good enough for me.
NOT GEEK
Football is made into multiple video games EVERY YEAR. It's a mainstay on every console. Geeks should embrace the F$#CK out of that.
GEEK
Those games are entirely too complicated. If I wanted to actually play football, I could just swing my arm instead of angling the perfect nanosecond timing on an XBY-cross-arm bootleg R-button combo.
NOT GEEK
OH HO, so you admit you'd play football in real life.
GEEK
My last date was the same day your last date was, pal.
NOT GEEK
Now we're getting personal.
GEEK
We do both enjoy beer.
NOT GEEK
And boobies!
GEEK
And winning.
NOT GEEK
Agree to disagree?
GEEK
Boise State
NOT GEEK
Any team from the Big 12 that's not OU.
GEEK
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
NOT GEEK
You go play video games. See that hottie at the end of the bar? I'm-a slap her ass and ask her if she has any Texan in her.
GEEK
Then we can both nurse the black eye.... together...... playing...
NOT GEEK
..... video games.
AND.... SCENE.
not geek
north texas!!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
BRB, ASA
WHAT.
NOT GEEK
I have nothing to say about movies games television boobies cars or sports because it's still August (for a few more hours anyway) and the large corporations of America have offered us very little this summer. Fuck 'em. It's the economy, stupid, and thank god there's still a thing called "Actual human beings" to socialize with and remind us what's actually entertaining. Unless you live in San Marcos (with apologies to Ms. Schlaege Watercolor Jones III, who is an awesome individual trapped in an old west town).
I KID, I KID. I lived in Denton for 4 years and Sherman for 2. You ain't gotta tell me shit. Sherman makes San Marcos look like Tahiti.
If Dallas is part of "DFW," then San Antonio is the second 2/3 of "ASA." I'm going to keep using this and I'm sure it will catch on.
BIG UPS:
(plural of "up" ... not the fedEx competitor)
CAREY-- Without him I wouldn't have made it to Texas at all. If you see him on the street, give him a fist-bump, though I'm pretty sure strangers do that to him anyway. Flew in Tuesday afternoon, he drove me around and allowed me to crash in a house that was already populated by his wife, his infant daughter, two energetic dogs and two snooty cats.... and, for the second and third day, his father-in-law. AND WE STILL MADE IT TO THE RIVER (well, some of us). We opted for the 3-hour float which, because of the low water, took about 4 1/2 hours. If I wasn't afeared of dropping my phone in the water, I'd have brought it, and photographed the picnic table in the middle of the river right around Mile Eight. There's some symbology or some shit. Or maybe it just seemed more awesome than I thought it was because I was on my 98th can of Shiner Bock. Thanks to Carey, Joe, Shannon and Alex for making the river that much more entertaining. Especially Alex's cartoonishly small inner tube. And yet he still managed to carry the Bud Light Lime.
SHANNON & ALEX -- I spent at least 13 whole seconds trying to combine their name into some kind of Bennifer/Brangelina hybrid, but I couldn't find enough vowels, and besides the whole point of those names is two entities merging into one. I think it's safe to say Shannon still has her full personality intact, and as per usual, takes no shit from anyone. (Though she will take beer she doesn't like in the interest of being polite. DAMMIT SHANNON. JUST ADMIT YOU LIKE BUD LIGHT. YOU WENT THROUGH IT LIKE IT WAS WATER. DELICIOUS, BUBBLY, SLIGHTLY ALCOHOLIC WATER).
Thanks to Alex, too, for driving us around, particularly all the way out to San Antonio. And he never even met me before. That's a bro.
When in San Marcos (and why would you be, but in case you are), visit the delicious and spacious Tap Room. Just down the road, I suppose you COULD visit the head shop and their interesting employees, but I'm pretty sure they sold us some inferior shit. Luckily I'm back in Seattle now where they put Meth in the water supply and prescribe marijuana to babies.
KRISTIAN, KRISTIAN'S TWO ROOMMATES WHOSE NAMES ESCAPE ME, J-MURDER -- Actually that's not true, I'm pretty sure one of Kristian's roommates was named Dave. Anyway. I haven't seen Kristian since I was still in high school, living in the house I did when I was too young to vote, he just another of Josh's friends to run around the house and annoy me. He owns his own business in Austin now, and though I did not get laid on this particular trip, having one of the Kebabs from his Kebab stand was a close second. Also it helped that he had the hook-up at the bar across the street, where "Rum and Coke" is heard by the bartenders as, "I'll have a medium-glass of rum and I guess maybe if you feel like it you can include a light splash of coke just for color."
I'm not mentioning my little brothers "longtime companion" because a) He's not reading this anyway, b) All she does is say what she's thinking, which allows for honesty but less-than-scintillating conversation, and c) The only three things she talked about at any given time, in the 24 hours I was around her (results are extremely typical), "Adam when are you coming back to Houston," "Adam why don't you come back to Houston more?" "I gained so much weight when I was pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage."
I had better conversations with their 3-year-old Husky, Jayda. She only knows three phrases and is more pleasurable to have around than that ... person... whom my brother proclaims is the most "tolerable" woman in Houston. Which I think says a lot more about Houston than anything.
Saturday we got together for lunch, and while the lake was initially off, of course it stands that minutes after making tentative Austin-plans with Shan&Alex, J's hook-up calls him to tell him the river is back on. Well shit. We hit up Lake Travis at that point, with some friends of J & K's. They had a speedboat. The friends were expert wakeboarders, Josh was a novice, and I was even worse than that, yet somehow ended up on the water with a miniature snowboard strapped to my feet. I wiped out five times, getting better each time, and while consensus was that I would've got to my feet eventually, I told 'em the sun was going down and I didn't want to waste their river-time for the additional half-hour it would've taken me. Then the pros went wake-surfing and we headed back to Kristian's house for about ten hours of ping-pong (interspersed with television, Lone Star beer, and a trip to the Alamo Draft House for "Winnebago Man").
Special thanks to Kristian again for entertaining me for the 15 hours between when my little brother left, and when I had to get on my plane. Also to San Marcos peeps for suggesting the museum. It was a tiny place, but always happy to check out art.
The plane ride from Austin to Phoenix was near-empty. The plane ride from Phoenix to Seattle had me sitting between an excitable and inquisitive 6-year-old girl (aisle), and a tattooed gentleman in his early 20s who had never flown before (window), who had to re-check with me what the airsick bag was, because when he'd gotten an answer from the 6-year-old he didn't believe it. He seemed excited to fly, but as soon as the plane was in the air, he fell asleep.
Final score? Phoenix -- 95+ degrees. Austin/San Antonio-- 90-95 degrees every day I was there. Seattle -- 62 degrees the day I arrived back.
Was extremely happy to see everyone and had only positive experiences the entire time I was in Texas (except for my little brothers taste in females). Thanks to my hosts, and thanks to Southwest Airlines. Now it is time for football.
GEEK
Damn. We didn't get to play Mafia 2.
NOT GEEK
I have nothing to say about movies games television boobies cars or sports because it's still August (for a few more hours anyway) and the large corporations of America have offered us very little this summer. Fuck 'em. It's the economy, stupid, and thank god there's still a thing called "Actual human beings" to socialize with and remind us what's actually entertaining. Unless you live in San Marcos (with apologies to Ms. Schlaege Watercolor Jones III, who is an awesome individual trapped in an old west town).
I KID, I KID. I lived in Denton for 4 years and Sherman for 2. You ain't gotta tell me shit. Sherman makes San Marcos look like Tahiti.
If Dallas is part of "DFW," then San Antonio is the second 2/3 of "ASA." I'm going to keep using this and I'm sure it will catch on.
BIG UPS:
(plural of "up" ... not the fedEx competitor)
CAREY-- Without him I wouldn't have made it to Texas at all. If you see him on the street, give him a fist-bump, though I'm pretty sure strangers do that to him anyway. Flew in Tuesday afternoon, he drove me around and allowed me to crash in a house that was already populated by his wife, his infant daughter, two energetic dogs and two snooty cats.... and, for the second and third day, his father-in-law. AND WE STILL MADE IT TO THE RIVER (well, some of us). We opted for the 3-hour float which, because of the low water, took about 4 1/2 hours. If I wasn't afeared of dropping my phone in the water, I'd have brought it, and photographed the picnic table in the middle of the river right around Mile Eight. There's some symbology or some shit. Or maybe it just seemed more awesome than I thought it was because I was on my 98th can of Shiner Bock. Thanks to Carey, Joe, Shannon and Alex for making the river that much more entertaining. Especially Alex's cartoonishly small inner tube. And yet he still managed to carry the Bud Light Lime.
SHANNON & ALEX -- I spent at least 13 whole seconds trying to combine their name into some kind of Bennifer/Brangelina hybrid, but I couldn't find enough vowels, and besides the whole point of those names is two entities merging into one. I think it's safe to say Shannon still has her full personality intact, and as per usual, takes no shit from anyone. (Though she will take beer she doesn't like in the interest of being polite. DAMMIT SHANNON. JUST ADMIT YOU LIKE BUD LIGHT. YOU WENT THROUGH IT LIKE IT WAS WATER. DELICIOUS, BUBBLY, SLIGHTLY ALCOHOLIC WATER).
Thanks to Alex, too, for driving us around, particularly all the way out to San Antonio. And he never even met me before. That's a bro.
When in San Marcos (and why would you be, but in case you are), visit the delicious and spacious Tap Room. Just down the road, I suppose you COULD visit the head shop and their interesting employees, but I'm pretty sure they sold us some inferior shit. Luckily I'm back in Seattle now where they put Meth in the water supply and prescribe marijuana to babies.
KRISTIAN, KRISTIAN'S TWO ROOMMATES WHOSE NAMES ESCAPE ME, J-MURDER -- Actually that's not true, I'm pretty sure one of Kristian's roommates was named Dave. Anyway. I haven't seen Kristian since I was still in high school, living in the house I did when I was too young to vote, he just another of Josh's friends to run around the house and annoy me. He owns his own business in Austin now, and though I did not get laid on this particular trip, having one of the Kebabs from his Kebab stand was a close second. Also it helped that he had the hook-up at the bar across the street, where "Rum and Coke" is heard by the bartenders as, "I'll have a medium-glass of rum and I guess maybe if you feel like it you can include a light splash of coke just for color."
I'm not mentioning my little brothers "longtime companion" because a) He's not reading this anyway, b) All she does is say what she's thinking, which allows for honesty but less-than-scintillating conversation, and c) The only three things she talked about at any given time, in the 24 hours I was around her (results are extremely typical), "Adam when are you coming back to Houston," "Adam why don't you come back to Houston more?" "I gained so much weight when I was pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage."
I had better conversations with their 3-year-old Husky, Jayda. She only knows three phrases and is more pleasurable to have around than that ... person... whom my brother proclaims is the most "tolerable" woman in Houston. Which I think says a lot more about Houston than anything.
Saturday we got together for lunch, and while the lake was initially off, of course it stands that minutes after making tentative Austin-plans with Shan&Alex, J's hook-up calls him to tell him the river is back on. Well shit. We hit up Lake Travis at that point, with some friends of J & K's. They had a speedboat. The friends were expert wakeboarders, Josh was a novice, and I was even worse than that, yet somehow ended up on the water with a miniature snowboard strapped to my feet. I wiped out five times, getting better each time, and while consensus was that I would've got to my feet eventually, I told 'em the sun was going down and I didn't want to waste their river-time for the additional half-hour it would've taken me. Then the pros went wake-surfing and we headed back to Kristian's house for about ten hours of ping-pong (interspersed with television, Lone Star beer, and a trip to the Alamo Draft House for "Winnebago Man").
Special thanks to Kristian again for entertaining me for the 15 hours between when my little brother left, and when I had to get on my plane. Also to San Marcos peeps for suggesting the museum. It was a tiny place, but always happy to check out art.
The plane ride from Austin to Phoenix was near-empty. The plane ride from Phoenix to Seattle had me sitting between an excitable and inquisitive 6-year-old girl (aisle), and a tattooed gentleman in his early 20s who had never flown before (window), who had to re-check with me what the airsick bag was, because when he'd gotten an answer from the 6-year-old he didn't believe it. He seemed excited to fly, but as soon as the plane was in the air, he fell asleep.
Final score? Phoenix -- 95+ degrees. Austin/San Antonio-- 90-95 degrees every day I was there. Seattle -- 62 degrees the day I arrived back.
Was extremely happy to see everyone and had only positive experiences the entire time I was in Texas (except for my little brothers taste in females). Thanks to my hosts, and thanks to Southwest Airlines. Now it is time for football.
GEEK
Damn. We didn't get to play Mafia 2.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Manliness vs. Geekiness (or, Scott Pilgrim is not Expendable)
NOT GEEK
Some fan (we assume) made a new trailer for "The Expendables," in which many explosions and guns are highlighted, culminating with the statement, "If this movie doesn't beat 'Eat Pray Love' at the box office the weekend of August 13th, we as a nation are doomed."
Yes.
Never mind that "Eat Pray Love" was directed by Ryan Murphy, director of the cult hit "Running with Scissors," and more notably creator of the TV series "Glee." Never mind that it stars Julia Roberts, one of the few lasting female American movie starts of the last 30 years. NEVER MIND THAT THE POSTER HAS HER QUIRKILY EATING ICE CREAM ON A BENCH.
And never mind that "quirkily" is probably not a word.
Romantic comedies are cute and what-not, and guys will occasionally see them on the presumption it will get them laid (at least that is what they will say to other guys; I have certainly never ever watched a Meryl Streep movie willingly *cough*) ... BUT THIS IS THE DAMN EXPENDABLES.
The greatest action heroes of the 1980's, nay, of an entire generation (save for Chuck Norris) unite to blow up every damn thing in their way. Machismo will be wielded like a double-edged sword, asses will be kicked, set pieces will detonate in a manner rarely seen since Ronald Reagan was fucking up the White House. Stallone has been building back up his empire with "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo," and here he's got all his buddies to show the younger generation how it's done.
And also Jason Statham for no apparent reason. Good for him. Having appeared in a Uwe Boll movie is a bigger stain on his career than any ten Dolph Lundgren movies.
Go for the nostalgia. Stay for the possible homoeroticism. THE 1980'S ARE OVER. LONG LIVE THE 1980's.
GEEK
Look.
It's not that I'm not grateful for this conflagration of testosterone, because I enjoy seeing someone get punched in the face as much as the next XY-type person. I'm a fan of things exploding, but where the Rampant Geekness comes into it is, I want a story to go with it. Not simply a chain-link fence of fight scene after car chase after fight scene, in much the same way porn compilations get boring after too long. If there's not a story linking it together, who gives a fuck?
Stallone won an Oscar in 1976 for writing "Rocky," but 1976 was a long time ago. He's written a number of movies since then, but none had the same reception... and, in fact, despite his recent career Renaissance with "Rocky Balboa" (pretty good) and "Rambo" (fucking awesome), he's still only directed eight movies in his entire life.
Since 1978.
Including "The Expendables."
Paradise Alley, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky Balboa, Rambo, The Expendables.
That's it. That's the sum-total of his directorial experience.
No living human being has ever actually seen Paradise Alley, and having taken a moment to google it, I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to add it to my Netflix queue. I did recently re-watch the Rocky movies just before "Balboa" came out, and time has been kind to some, but not all.
Rocky III and Rocky IV are exceptionally manly to the point of bordering on parody, and hell, in IV, Rocky single-handedly brings down communism. Good for him. Even Schwarzenegger couldn't pull that one off.
.... And yet, despite its awesomeness, he didn't direct a movie at all between 1985 and 2006. That's 21 years. George Lucas went 20 years between directing "Star Wars" and "The Phantom Menace" .... yes, TPM came out in 1999, but this is the 'geek' section and TPM began production in 1997. Anyway. My point being:
Twenty years is a long time. Rocky Balboa was not without its flaws, and Rambo, while awesome, was actually rather short, and within weeks Stallone talked publicly about yet another Rambo sequel, in which the boy fought aliens or some fucking thing. You know.... ruining it. Bad Stallone. Bad, naughty Stallone.
Will "The Expendables" be awesome? Well, it's not even out yet, but it's already leaning toward self-parody... the 1980's hair-metal song over the trailer is actually NOT a point in its favor, because people Stallone's age have grown out of that, and people born in the 1980's don't give a fuck. You can either re-invent it, or live in the past; you can't do both.
The cast is great, and I'm sure all their checks cleared. But... what if, say, not a single famous person appeared in the movie? Or what if it were just Stallone and a bunch of no-names? (like in, say, Rambo?). Would the movie still be good? Would the dialogue still be memorable, the action sequences original?
I have no fucking idea. And when I see it Saturday afternoon (like a damn old person), those will be the things I (and you) will be judging it on, casting be damned. Because once you get over the shock of seeing Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Stallone and in the same scene together, there better be some important shit going on, or else all you're left with is.... well, your two favorite porn stars sitting on a couch together and talking about People Magazine. Entertaining for a minute, but then you're frustrated.
"Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" opens August 13th in America, at a theater near you. I'm getting my geek on, because despite Edgar Wright having directed less than 8 movies in his life, all of them have happened since 2004, and they've all been worth watching multiple times, sharing with friends, and quoting along with joyously.
Not a single "Paradise Alley" in the bunch.
And, seriously. "Rocky II" was just plain bad. Like really, really awful.
It's the 21st century now, bitches.
Some fan (we assume) made a new trailer for "The Expendables," in which many explosions and guns are highlighted, culminating with the statement, "If this movie doesn't beat 'Eat Pray Love' at the box office the weekend of August 13th, we as a nation are doomed."
Yes.
Never mind that "Eat Pray Love" was directed by Ryan Murphy, director of the cult hit "Running with Scissors," and more notably creator of the TV series "Glee." Never mind that it stars Julia Roberts, one of the few lasting female American movie starts of the last 30 years. NEVER MIND THAT THE POSTER HAS HER QUIRKILY EATING ICE CREAM ON A BENCH.
And never mind that "quirkily" is probably not a word.
Romantic comedies are cute and what-not, and guys will occasionally see them on the presumption it will get them laid (at least that is what they will say to other guys; I have certainly never ever watched a Meryl Streep movie willingly *cough*) ... BUT THIS IS THE DAMN EXPENDABLES.
The greatest action heroes of the 1980's, nay, of an entire generation (save for Chuck Norris) unite to blow up every damn thing in their way. Machismo will be wielded like a double-edged sword, asses will be kicked, set pieces will detonate in a manner rarely seen since Ronald Reagan was fucking up the White House. Stallone has been building back up his empire with "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo," and here he's got all his buddies to show the younger generation how it's done.
And also Jason Statham for no apparent reason. Good for him. Having appeared in a Uwe Boll movie is a bigger stain on his career than any ten Dolph Lundgren movies.
Go for the nostalgia. Stay for the possible homoeroticism. THE 1980'S ARE OVER. LONG LIVE THE 1980's.
GEEK
Look.
It's not that I'm not grateful for this conflagration of testosterone, because I enjoy seeing someone get punched in the face as much as the next XY-type person. I'm a fan of things exploding, but where the Rampant Geekness comes into it is, I want a story to go with it. Not simply a chain-link fence of fight scene after car chase after fight scene, in much the same way porn compilations get boring after too long. If there's not a story linking it together, who gives a fuck?
Stallone won an Oscar in 1976 for writing "Rocky," but 1976 was a long time ago. He's written a number of movies since then, but none had the same reception... and, in fact, despite his recent career Renaissance with "Rocky Balboa" (pretty good) and "Rambo" (fucking awesome), he's still only directed eight movies in his entire life.
Since 1978.
Including "The Expendables."
Paradise Alley, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky Balboa, Rambo, The Expendables.
That's it. That's the sum-total of his directorial experience.
No living human being has ever actually seen Paradise Alley, and having taken a moment to google it, I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to add it to my Netflix queue. I did recently re-watch the Rocky movies just before "Balboa" came out, and time has been kind to some, but not all.
Rocky III and Rocky IV are exceptionally manly to the point of bordering on parody, and hell, in IV, Rocky single-handedly brings down communism. Good for him. Even Schwarzenegger couldn't pull that one off.
.... And yet, despite its awesomeness, he didn't direct a movie at all between 1985 and 2006. That's 21 years. George Lucas went 20 years between directing "Star Wars" and "The Phantom Menace" .... yes, TPM came out in 1999, but this is the 'geek' section and TPM began production in 1997. Anyway. My point being:
Twenty years is a long time. Rocky Balboa was not without its flaws, and Rambo, while awesome, was actually rather short, and within weeks Stallone talked publicly about yet another Rambo sequel, in which the boy fought aliens or some fucking thing. You know.... ruining it. Bad Stallone. Bad, naughty Stallone.
Will "The Expendables" be awesome? Well, it's not even out yet, but it's already leaning toward self-parody... the 1980's hair-metal song over the trailer is actually NOT a point in its favor, because people Stallone's age have grown out of that, and people born in the 1980's don't give a fuck. You can either re-invent it, or live in the past; you can't do both.
The cast is great, and I'm sure all their checks cleared. But... what if, say, not a single famous person appeared in the movie? Or what if it were just Stallone and a bunch of no-names? (like in, say, Rambo?). Would the movie still be good? Would the dialogue still be memorable, the action sequences original?
I have no fucking idea. And when I see it Saturday afternoon (like a damn old person), those will be the things I (and you) will be judging it on, casting be damned. Because once you get over the shock of seeing Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Stallone and in the same scene together, there better be some important shit going on, or else all you're left with is.... well, your two favorite porn stars sitting on a couch together and talking about People Magazine. Entertaining for a minute, but then you're frustrated.
"Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" opens August 13th in America, at a theater near you. I'm getting my geek on, because despite Edgar Wright having directed less than 8 movies in his life, all of them have happened since 2004, and they've all been worth watching multiple times, sharing with friends, and quoting along with joyously.
Not a single "Paradise Alley" in the bunch.
And, seriously. "Rocky II" was just plain bad. Like really, really awful.
It's the 21st century now, bitches.
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