J for Jehovah

NOT GEEK

Well, this happened:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/8069472/Homer-Simpson-is-a-true-Catholic.html

Let me explain. No no, there is too much, let me sum up: The Vatican newspaper published a story about how, looking at the evidence, Homer J. Simpson (and son Bart) are true Catholics.

Yeah. Out of nowhere, right? Is this the Catholic Church trying to look cool, like a few months back when they declared "The Blues Brothers" to be a good Christian movie? (yeah, that happened too: in case you missed it). Is the newspaper just getting more freedom now that the Pope is German? Much like the ingredients to Coke, we will never know, but one thing remains clear:

The Catholic Church is insane.

Now, I know a thing or two about the world. I watch The Daily Show and I once read half of a Time Magazine in the dentists' office, so already I'm more informed than the entire Fox News demographic. And I know Catholics don't like being called insane. It's rude. And while I may not hold their beliefs, I respect their right to congregate, and hold meetings, much like any other independent private organization, like AA, or Canada.

Then again, they follow a fictional character, and Homer Simpson is a fictional character, so I can see where they might get confused. But make no mistake: That article exists. Which we can only take to mean that the Catholic Church, or someone very high up within it, has watched all 20+ seasons of "The Simpsons."

That is time well spent. It's like finding out Barack Obama watches "Jersey Shore." No, I'm not linking anything here. It's too painful.

MY POINT: What the paper fails to mention, outside of Homer Simpson being a Catholic (apparently), is that if he IS a Catholic, he is of course going Hell. Yes, Hell. With a capital H. H for Homer.

"Oh," sayeth the article. "We get pop culture too! We are not your grandfathers' Catholic Church! We are hip, and with-it, and get the references! Being a Catholic is cool... like The Simpsons!"

Well first of all, Catholic Church, I'd like to commend you on updating your pop culture barometer from 1692, all the way up to 1992. That's quite a leap for you and I commend you. Now if you can just give the thumbs up to women going on the pill, we might be getting somewhere.

OFFICIAL 'HEP-CAT' PRESS RELEASE: "Homer Simpson is a Catholic!"

BEHIND THE MUSIC: If Homer Simpson were a Catholic, his Priest would slap the shit out of him, and while it isn't actually likely Bart was being touched inappropriately by a Catholic priest, if he WERE, we would transfer the priest to Shelbyville and say no more about it.

Or, to put it in a less offensive way, "If Homer Simpson were real, we would ex-communicate him, but since he's not, we're trying to drum up support via the use of his wacky antics."

The following is a list of all the cardinal sins to which Homer has succumbed. If you're guessing "seven" without even scrolling down.... well, Jesus Christ, you're right.

ENVY: He's constantly envying/stealing Flanders' shit. He even coveted Flanders' wife's ass, when she was alive (Maude Flanders R.I.P.)
SLOTH: Duh
LUST: Granted, it's usually for his wife ("And I know I was dreaming because usually I dream of naked.... Marge."), but he also goes to strip clubs all the time and whistles at women in bikinis. As opposed to, say, Smithers, who avoids such temptations because he is a good Christian man and entry into Heaven is assured.
GREED: Greed for BEER.
GLUTTONY: Further Duh.

... at this point I had to bust out Wikipedia, because even after the Brad Pitt movie I couldn't remember all seven, but if I ever get famous, don't worry... the Vatican will probably try and pin me as a Catholic, too.

WRATH: "Flanders was a zombie?"
PRIDE: You've seen Homer with his shirt off, and you know he knows he looks good. Also he's got a hot wife he has sex with a lot, which puts pretty much every guy into the "I'm bulletproof" mindset.

AND THEN THERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
1) "I am the Lord Thy God. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."

Homer Simpson: "Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

.... also, there was the episode where Homer sold his soul to the Devil, but then got out of it thanks to his lawyer proving his soul already belonged to Marge.

2) "No Graven Images, even though this is just a paraphrasing of the First Commandment."

I can paraphrase too, Bible. See?

(Homer is listening to football on his walkman in church)
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good!
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.

3) "Thou Shalt Not Take My Name in Vain, Even If It IS Only My First Name, Bro."

Homer says a lot of mean things about church, but can we all agree the only reason he doesn't swear more creatively is because of the Fox censors?

4) "Remember the Sabbath Day, Keep it Holy... Yadda Yadda Yadda."

They've done entire episodes about this.

Flanders: Sport on a Sunday? I don't kn--
Rev. Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned.

5) "Honor Thy Father & Mother"

Homer sure does love his mom. Homer sure does treat his dad like total shit. HILARIOUS shit.

6) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder."

Again, I turn you to my favorite Simpsons quote of all time, "Flanders Was a Zombie?" ... Maybe it's out-of-continuity cuz it was a Halloween episode, but I'm still pretty sure I've seen him touch the skin of an unclean animal, and I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible too. Right next to the part about slavery being okay and weed being an abomination.

And oh yeah.... FRANK. GRIMES.

7) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."

Now here's a tricky one. While it is technically true that Homer has never physically cheated on Marge, he has developed some emotional connections of which Marge wholly disapproved. Ask a guy what cheating is, he'll say, "Boning another chick." (because yes, we really talk like that). Ask a woman what cheating is, she's more likely to say, "Forming a close, emotional bond with another woman. Oh, and also, boning another chick."

It's interesting, though, that in addition to only sleeping with Marge since they were married, the implication is that he's only had sex with Marge, EVER. Then again, the show states he knocked up Marge right after high school, and Bart is ten, which means Homer is between 28-30 years old. Bullshit on THAT.

8) "Thou Shalt Not Steal."

Which episode was it where Homer tries to get out of paying his bar tab? ALL OF THEM.

9) "Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor." (also, thou shalt not neighbor false witness against thy bear).

Chief Wiggum: "Oh, yeah! You can pretty much legally kill a man in your own home."
Homer: Flanders, get over here!
Ned: High-dilly-hi!
Chief Wiggum: It doesn't count of you invite him in.
Homer: Aw. Get lost, Flanders.
Ned: Toodly-doo!

... yes, that's not the same thing as saying, "Ned killed that guy," but it's still funny.

10) "Thou Shalt Not Covet."

We covered this in the Sin list, but,

"Your wife's BUTT, is higher than my wife's BUTT...."

This is not to say Homer wanted to get with Maude, but as everyone knows, religious girls are absolutely freaky in bed. Then again, Ned has an 18-inch penis, so it's unlikely Homer was going to be able to get the job done, unless Maude had a secret fetish for fat alcoholics.

So, 7 of 7 on the sins, and 8 or 9 out of 10 on the commandments, depending on your definition of "adultery." And it's not like the Catholic church is soft on this; breaking just one Commandment puts you into Hell these days. Unless you repent on your deathbed, which is exactly what Homer has stated he plans on doing.

"Well," you might argue, "At least it's getting people talking about Catholicism. Which is only the point, really. I mean, it made you google the Ten Commandments."

Yes, that is true. It's also 1:30 a.m. and I've already forgotten them again. Also I have porn open in another window while I download Swedish Death Metal so I have something to listen to in the car tomorrow while driving to get an abortion. No, not for a woman... I'm having an abortion my ownself. Because I'm an American. Just like Homer Simpson.

Meanwhile:

If JUST Bart and Homer are Catholics, where does that leave the rest of the, as George W. Bush would say, "Nuke-yu-lar" family?

BART - Also Catholic, at least according to the Vatican. Which makes sense, considering in the movie you could totally see his penis, and as we all know, the Catholic church totally loves ten-year-old boy penis.

YES. I JUST WENT THERE. It was an easy joke and you're laughing right now, so we're all going to Hell together. But not as far down as pedophile Catholic priests. Or any pedophile, really.

LISA - Buddhist. She tries to convert her family all the time. You know who never tries to convert anyone? Homer and Bart. Yes, this sounds exactly like the behavior of Catholics. And Buddhists.

MAGGIE - Well, we can't understand anything she's saying, and she definitely killed a guy. By Republican rhetoric, she must therefore be Muslim, but that's a lame joke and a bad one. Plus I'm pretty sure she eats bacon, so... Really, she freeloads off Marge and never gets a job. So she's a Liberal and will probably one day take part in an anti-meat protest outside of a college campus. C'mon, she's the third sibling: the best AND worst of her two older ones. She is dangerous, and you know this. And you can't find a court in this land who will convict a baby. Except maybe in Texas.

MARGE - Attends Church regularly, turns the other cheek, insists her family attend Church as well, calls Homer on his shenanigans and makes him set things right. Her hairstyle went out-of-date when JFK was still alive. While she didn't wait until marriage to have sex, she did marry the first (and only) man she ever had sex with. So... yes, whether she be Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Epsicopalian, Mormon or Jehovah's Witness, Marge is truly the best Catholic of the bunch, and a good Christian all around, who sets an amazing, patient, and wholesome example of what a Christian should be.

Except the Vatican newspaper didn't mention that.

Because it's the Vatican and they hate women.

LET'S ALL SAY THREE HAIL MARYS AND DO THE HOKEY-POKEY.

GEEK:

I haven't watched The Simpsons since 2004. Who the FUCK still watches "The Simpsons?"

You know who's actually a Catholic? Peter Griffin. Literally. The show says so.