I try not to write about sports here, but this is the only blog I have, and until I can think of more than one sports idea every three months, this is where it goes:
DEAR MARK CUBAN,
Despite not having lived full-time in Houston since I was 20, I still feel a strong loyalty toward the city, despite its many abuses to me, during my upbringing. That sounds more overly dramatic than I meant it: my parents were lovely and my little brother only occasionally irritating, but of course the weather in Houston remains as oppressive as it does in Dallas, and the traffic situation down there makes the Dallas traffic look like a walk to the mailbox.
And yet I still feel fierce loyalties to the teams I grew up with, the Rockets and Astros, and by extension, the Texans. I believe there was another football team in Houston for some time, but I have erradicated all memory of it from my brain, due to abuse by a terrible owner-- words which, I must say, cannot be applied to you.
You are a wonderful owner. You have hired good people, let them do their jobs, you have been open with your fans and fans of your team, and your enthusiasm is purely contagious. You know your job, and are keenly aware that privilege is not a substitute for actual knowledge of the game and the team. And, most importantly, of all the professional sports franchise-owners in Dallas, you are the only one to actually allow your sports franchise to play in Dallas. Purists will surely say, "But hockey is a professional sport, too," to which I say, "Go back to Canada, you Molson-drinking moose-rider."
I know all this (except for the bit about Canada, which is hearsay) because I lived in Dallas for over ten years. Sure, part of it was in Denton, and part of it was in the remote outpost known as Sherman, but we all basically fall under the same Dallas umbrella (except for Ft. Worth, which hates you). I'm a fan of your work and of all the owners in professional sports today, you're the one who feels like he's most excited to be there. Not because of potential profits, but because you can actively affect the world around you and the culture in which you live. You know that a championship is more important than how many hot dogs you sold at concessions last week.
So when it was reported that you'd said, in a casual offhand way, that you weren't interested in buying the Astros... I was fine with it. Really, I was. Whatever your reasons, that's fine. One man owning a team in both Houston and Dallas is certainly a great sports sacrilege, akin to owning teams in both New York and Boston, or Los Angeles and San Francisco, but even if this was not your reason, it doesn't matter. You have a business to run, you got burned by the Cubs, burned by the Rangers, whatever. It's water under the bridge, and we needn't dwell on it. I didn't think you'd want the gig and your name never even really occurred to me when their previous owner announced the sale.
But the thing is, sports needs more people like you. Someone passionate about the game, not just someone who views it as an investment, or an excuse to stand next to cheerleaders. A rock star, as it were, with enthusiasm and intelligence, passion and personality. Someone Not Jerry Jones. Someone like you.
And so, even though I have only ever lived in four cities: Houston, Dallas, Los Angeles, and presently Seattle... I feel great confidence in suggesting the next sports team you should buy:
If there has ever been any more long-suffering, desperate, needy, and nowhere-to-go-but-up franchise, can any answer really be more obvious than the Detroit Lions?
Sure, we're all waiting for the owner of the LA Clippers to be declared insane and have his team wrested from his clutches, but you already own an NBA team and I think there's an ownership-cap on that. But if you must own a second team, it should be not baseball.... but football.
RATIONALE #1: The Detroit Lions are not in Texas. So no "sports bigamy" to borrow a term from another writer.
RATIONALE #2: The Detroit Lions play at Ford Field. And while the Ford Motor Company lacks the presence in Detroit that it used to have, MANY PEOPLE IN DALLAS DRIVE CARS. And I just don't mean, facetiously, like, "Many people in Dallas have feet," but rather, it is an impossibility for anyone to get anywhere in Dallas without a car. Sure, the train is coming along nicely, but not to the point where people are just selling their cars and travelling everywhere on foot and by bus (like they do in Seattle). They have cars, they love their cars, and they WILL drive them to Detroit. For you.
RATIONALE #3: The Lions are terrible. Do we need to remind you the state of the Mavericks when you first arrived? You love a project.
RATIONALE #4: Once a season you get to play Jerry Jones in open gladiatorial combat. Well, not personally, but your fans would plunk down $100 for that ticket, too.
RATIONALE #5: I'm not going to name names, but by and large, NFL owners are way, way more douchey than NBA owners. You, sir, are not a douche. You are a folk hero. Except for the HDnet thing.
RATIONALE #6: Within the last three years, Comerica Bank has left Detroit, relocating in Dallas. Think of this as giving something back to the community. If some businessman and entrepeneur from Oklahoma City wanted to give something back to Seattle, I certainly would not turn it down.
RATIONALE #7: Texas has no natural lakes. Michigan, I have seen on maps, has several. Two words, sir: LAKEFRONT PROPERTY. Or is that three words?
and finally...
RATIONALE #8: You would have an office in a state that borders a foreign country. Which, if I recall from the last presidential election, would give you foreign policy experience.
And honestly, not even a random passer-by on the street could do a worse job than the current Lions ownership, and you are far more experienced and passionate than some person that was just happening to pass by. You're Mark Cuban. You've got an illegal cigar RIGHT THERE IN YOUR NAME. There's nothing you can't do.
Speaking as someone who has never lived in, nor even set foot in, the beautiful state of Michigan, I feel myself and the people of this great nation would be behind such a bold move. For fortune favors the bold. And Americans favor cool guys with fortunes.
I for one look forward to your future adventures and endeavors,
Warmest Personal Regards,
Some Guy on the Internet
Showing posts with label texas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label texas. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Autumn Dilemma
NOT GEEK
DUDE. It's football season.
GEEK
Football sucks. Play some video games. Read a book.
NOT GEEK
FUCK YOU. This is the year North Texas goes 0-12. Plus you can go right down the street and watch the Huskies lose to real teams.
GEEK
TELEVISON. MOVIES. INTERNET. LATE NIGHT JAPANESE ANIMATION. COMIC BOOKS.
NOT GEEK
CAR CHASES. FOOTBALL. HIGH-SPEED-COLLISIONS. VIOLENCE. DEFEATING THE ENEMY. BEEEEEEEEEEER.
GEEK
I'll shoot zombies, that's good enough for me.
NOT GEEK
Football is made into multiple video games EVERY YEAR. It's a mainstay on every console. Geeks should embrace the F$#CK out of that.
GEEK
Those games are entirely too complicated. If I wanted to actually play football, I could just swing my arm instead of angling the perfect nanosecond timing on an XBY-cross-arm bootleg R-button combo.
NOT GEEK
OH HO, so you admit you'd play football in real life.
GEEK
My last date was the same day your last date was, pal.
NOT GEEK
Now we're getting personal.
GEEK
We do both enjoy beer.
NOT GEEK
And boobies!
GEEK
And winning.
NOT GEEK
Agree to disagree?
GEEK
Boise State
NOT GEEK
Any team from the Big 12 that's not OU.
GEEK
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
NOT GEEK
You go play video games. See that hottie at the end of the bar? I'm-a slap her ass and ask her if she has any Texan in her.
GEEK
Then we can both nurse the black eye.... together...... playing...
NOT GEEK
..... video games.
AND.... SCENE.
not geek
north texas!!
DUDE. It's football season.
GEEK
Football sucks. Play some video games. Read a book.
NOT GEEK
FUCK YOU. This is the year North Texas goes 0-12. Plus you can go right down the street and watch the Huskies lose to real teams.
GEEK
TELEVISON. MOVIES. INTERNET. LATE NIGHT JAPANESE ANIMATION. COMIC BOOKS.
NOT GEEK
CAR CHASES. FOOTBALL. HIGH-SPEED-COLLISIONS. VIOLENCE. DEFEATING THE ENEMY. BEEEEEEEEEEER.
GEEK
I'll shoot zombies, that's good enough for me.
NOT GEEK
Football is made into multiple video games EVERY YEAR. It's a mainstay on every console. Geeks should embrace the F$#CK out of that.
GEEK
Those games are entirely too complicated. If I wanted to actually play football, I could just swing my arm instead of angling the perfect nanosecond timing on an XBY-cross-arm bootleg R-button combo.
NOT GEEK
OH HO, so you admit you'd play football in real life.
GEEK
My last date was the same day your last date was, pal.
NOT GEEK
Now we're getting personal.
GEEK
We do both enjoy beer.
NOT GEEK
And boobies!
GEEK
And winning.
NOT GEEK
Agree to disagree?
GEEK
Boise State
NOT GEEK
Any team from the Big 12 that's not OU.
GEEK
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
NOT GEEK
You go play video games. See that hottie at the end of the bar? I'm-a slap her ass and ask her if she has any Texan in her.
GEEK
Then we can both nurse the black eye.... together...... playing...
NOT GEEK
..... video games.
AND.... SCENE.
not geek
north texas!!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
BRB, ASA
WHAT.
NOT GEEK
I have nothing to say about movies games television boobies cars or sports because it's still August (for a few more hours anyway) and the large corporations of America have offered us very little this summer. Fuck 'em. It's the economy, stupid, and thank god there's still a thing called "Actual human beings" to socialize with and remind us what's actually entertaining. Unless you live in San Marcos (with apologies to Ms. Schlaege Watercolor Jones III, who is an awesome individual trapped in an old west town).
I KID, I KID. I lived in Denton for 4 years and Sherman for 2. You ain't gotta tell me shit. Sherman makes San Marcos look like Tahiti.
If Dallas is part of "DFW," then San Antonio is the second 2/3 of "ASA." I'm going to keep using this and I'm sure it will catch on.
BIG UPS:
(plural of "up" ... not the fedEx competitor)
CAREY-- Without him I wouldn't have made it to Texas at all. If you see him on the street, give him a fist-bump, though I'm pretty sure strangers do that to him anyway. Flew in Tuesday afternoon, he drove me around and allowed me to crash in a house that was already populated by his wife, his infant daughter, two energetic dogs and two snooty cats.... and, for the second and third day, his father-in-law. AND WE STILL MADE IT TO THE RIVER (well, some of us). We opted for the 3-hour float which, because of the low water, took about 4 1/2 hours. If I wasn't afeared of dropping my phone in the water, I'd have brought it, and photographed the picnic table in the middle of the river right around Mile Eight. There's some symbology or some shit. Or maybe it just seemed more awesome than I thought it was because I was on my 98th can of Shiner Bock. Thanks to Carey, Joe, Shannon and Alex for making the river that much more entertaining. Especially Alex's cartoonishly small inner tube. And yet he still managed to carry the Bud Light Lime.
SHANNON & ALEX -- I spent at least 13 whole seconds trying to combine their name into some kind of Bennifer/Brangelina hybrid, but I couldn't find enough vowels, and besides the whole point of those names is two entities merging into one. I think it's safe to say Shannon still has her full personality intact, and as per usual, takes no shit from anyone. (Though she will take beer she doesn't like in the interest of being polite. DAMMIT SHANNON. JUST ADMIT YOU LIKE BUD LIGHT. YOU WENT THROUGH IT LIKE IT WAS WATER. DELICIOUS, BUBBLY, SLIGHTLY ALCOHOLIC WATER).
Thanks to Alex, too, for driving us around, particularly all the way out to San Antonio. And he never even met me before. That's a bro.
When in San Marcos (and why would you be, but in case you are), visit the delicious and spacious Tap Room. Just down the road, I suppose you COULD visit the head shop and their interesting employees, but I'm pretty sure they sold us some inferior shit. Luckily I'm back in Seattle now where they put Meth in the water supply and prescribe marijuana to babies.
KRISTIAN, KRISTIAN'S TWO ROOMMATES WHOSE NAMES ESCAPE ME, J-MURDER -- Actually that's not true, I'm pretty sure one of Kristian's roommates was named Dave. Anyway. I haven't seen Kristian since I was still in high school, living in the house I did when I was too young to vote, he just another of Josh's friends to run around the house and annoy me. He owns his own business in Austin now, and though I did not get laid on this particular trip, having one of the Kebabs from his Kebab stand was a close second. Also it helped that he had the hook-up at the bar across the street, where "Rum and Coke" is heard by the bartenders as, "I'll have a medium-glass of rum and I guess maybe if you feel like it you can include a light splash of coke just for color."
I'm not mentioning my little brothers "longtime companion" because a) He's not reading this anyway, b) All she does is say what she's thinking, which allows for honesty but less-than-scintillating conversation, and c) The only three things she talked about at any given time, in the 24 hours I was around her (results are extremely typical), "Adam when are you coming back to Houston," "Adam why don't you come back to Houston more?" "I gained so much weight when I was pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage."
I had better conversations with their 3-year-old Husky, Jayda. She only knows three phrases and is more pleasurable to have around than that ... person... whom my brother proclaims is the most "tolerable" woman in Houston. Which I think says a lot more about Houston than anything.
Saturday we got together for lunch, and while the lake was initially off, of course it stands that minutes after making tentative Austin-plans with Shan&Alex, J's hook-up calls him to tell him the river is back on. Well shit. We hit up Lake Travis at that point, with some friends of J & K's. They had a speedboat. The friends were expert wakeboarders, Josh was a novice, and I was even worse than that, yet somehow ended up on the water with a miniature snowboard strapped to my feet. I wiped out five times, getting better each time, and while consensus was that I would've got to my feet eventually, I told 'em the sun was going down and I didn't want to waste their river-time for the additional half-hour it would've taken me. Then the pros went wake-surfing and we headed back to Kristian's house for about ten hours of ping-pong (interspersed with television, Lone Star beer, and a trip to the Alamo Draft House for "Winnebago Man").
Special thanks to Kristian again for entertaining me for the 15 hours between when my little brother left, and when I had to get on my plane. Also to San Marcos peeps for suggesting the museum. It was a tiny place, but always happy to check out art.
The plane ride from Austin to Phoenix was near-empty. The plane ride from Phoenix to Seattle had me sitting between an excitable and inquisitive 6-year-old girl (aisle), and a tattooed gentleman in his early 20s who had never flown before (window), who had to re-check with me what the airsick bag was, because when he'd gotten an answer from the 6-year-old he didn't believe it. He seemed excited to fly, but as soon as the plane was in the air, he fell asleep.
Final score? Phoenix -- 95+ degrees. Austin/San Antonio-- 90-95 degrees every day I was there. Seattle -- 62 degrees the day I arrived back.
Was extremely happy to see everyone and had only positive experiences the entire time I was in Texas (except for my little brothers taste in females). Thanks to my hosts, and thanks to Southwest Airlines. Now it is time for football.
GEEK
Damn. We didn't get to play Mafia 2.
NOT GEEK
I have nothing to say about movies games television boobies cars or sports because it's still August (for a few more hours anyway) and the large corporations of America have offered us very little this summer. Fuck 'em. It's the economy, stupid, and thank god there's still a thing called "Actual human beings" to socialize with and remind us what's actually entertaining. Unless you live in San Marcos (with apologies to Ms. Schlaege Watercolor Jones III, who is an awesome individual trapped in an old west town).
I KID, I KID. I lived in Denton for 4 years and Sherman for 2. You ain't gotta tell me shit. Sherman makes San Marcos look like Tahiti.
If Dallas is part of "DFW," then San Antonio is the second 2/3 of "ASA." I'm going to keep using this and I'm sure it will catch on.
BIG UPS:
(plural of "up" ... not the fedEx competitor)
CAREY-- Without him I wouldn't have made it to Texas at all. If you see him on the street, give him a fist-bump, though I'm pretty sure strangers do that to him anyway. Flew in Tuesday afternoon, he drove me around and allowed me to crash in a house that was already populated by his wife, his infant daughter, two energetic dogs and two snooty cats.... and, for the second and third day, his father-in-law. AND WE STILL MADE IT TO THE RIVER (well, some of us). We opted for the 3-hour float which, because of the low water, took about 4 1/2 hours. If I wasn't afeared of dropping my phone in the water, I'd have brought it, and photographed the picnic table in the middle of the river right around Mile Eight. There's some symbology or some shit. Or maybe it just seemed more awesome than I thought it was because I was on my 98th can of Shiner Bock. Thanks to Carey, Joe, Shannon and Alex for making the river that much more entertaining. Especially Alex's cartoonishly small inner tube. And yet he still managed to carry the Bud Light Lime.
SHANNON & ALEX -- I spent at least 13 whole seconds trying to combine their name into some kind of Bennifer/Brangelina hybrid, but I couldn't find enough vowels, and besides the whole point of those names is two entities merging into one. I think it's safe to say Shannon still has her full personality intact, and as per usual, takes no shit from anyone. (Though she will take beer she doesn't like in the interest of being polite. DAMMIT SHANNON. JUST ADMIT YOU LIKE BUD LIGHT. YOU WENT THROUGH IT LIKE IT WAS WATER. DELICIOUS, BUBBLY, SLIGHTLY ALCOHOLIC WATER).
Thanks to Alex, too, for driving us around, particularly all the way out to San Antonio. And he never even met me before. That's a bro.
When in San Marcos (and why would you be, but in case you are), visit the delicious and spacious Tap Room. Just down the road, I suppose you COULD visit the head shop and their interesting employees, but I'm pretty sure they sold us some inferior shit. Luckily I'm back in Seattle now where they put Meth in the water supply and prescribe marijuana to babies.
KRISTIAN, KRISTIAN'S TWO ROOMMATES WHOSE NAMES ESCAPE ME, J-MURDER -- Actually that's not true, I'm pretty sure one of Kristian's roommates was named Dave. Anyway. I haven't seen Kristian since I was still in high school, living in the house I did when I was too young to vote, he just another of Josh's friends to run around the house and annoy me. He owns his own business in Austin now, and though I did not get laid on this particular trip, having one of the Kebabs from his Kebab stand was a close second. Also it helped that he had the hook-up at the bar across the street, where "Rum and Coke" is heard by the bartenders as, "I'll have a medium-glass of rum and I guess maybe if you feel like it you can include a light splash of coke just for color."
I'm not mentioning my little brothers "longtime companion" because a) He's not reading this anyway, b) All she does is say what she's thinking, which allows for honesty but less-than-scintillating conversation, and c) The only three things she talked about at any given time, in the 24 hours I was around her (results are extremely typical), "Adam when are you coming back to Houston," "Adam why don't you come back to Houston more?" "I gained so much weight when I was pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage."
I had better conversations with their 3-year-old Husky, Jayda. She only knows three phrases and is more pleasurable to have around than that ... person... whom my brother proclaims is the most "tolerable" woman in Houston. Which I think says a lot more about Houston than anything.
Saturday we got together for lunch, and while the lake was initially off, of course it stands that minutes after making tentative Austin-plans with Shan&Alex, J's hook-up calls him to tell him the river is back on. Well shit. We hit up Lake Travis at that point, with some friends of J & K's. They had a speedboat. The friends were expert wakeboarders, Josh was a novice, and I was even worse than that, yet somehow ended up on the water with a miniature snowboard strapped to my feet. I wiped out five times, getting better each time, and while consensus was that I would've got to my feet eventually, I told 'em the sun was going down and I didn't want to waste their river-time for the additional half-hour it would've taken me. Then the pros went wake-surfing and we headed back to Kristian's house for about ten hours of ping-pong (interspersed with television, Lone Star beer, and a trip to the Alamo Draft House for "Winnebago Man").
Special thanks to Kristian again for entertaining me for the 15 hours between when my little brother left, and when I had to get on my plane. Also to San Marcos peeps for suggesting the museum. It was a tiny place, but always happy to check out art.
The plane ride from Austin to Phoenix was near-empty. The plane ride from Phoenix to Seattle had me sitting between an excitable and inquisitive 6-year-old girl (aisle), and a tattooed gentleman in his early 20s who had never flown before (window), who had to re-check with me what the airsick bag was, because when he'd gotten an answer from the 6-year-old he didn't believe it. He seemed excited to fly, but as soon as the plane was in the air, he fell asleep.
Final score? Phoenix -- 95+ degrees. Austin/San Antonio-- 90-95 degrees every day I was there. Seattle -- 62 degrees the day I arrived back.
Was extremely happy to see everyone and had only positive experiences the entire time I was in Texas (except for my little brothers taste in females). Thanks to my hosts, and thanks to Southwest Airlines. Now it is time for football.
GEEK
Damn. We didn't get to play Mafia 2.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)