The Phantom Menace Corollary

cor·ol·lar·y

 [kawr-uh-ler-ee, kor-; especially Brit., kuh-rol-uh-ree]

1.

Mathematics . a proposition that is incidentally proved in proving another proposition.

2.

an immediate consequence or easily drawn conclusion.

3.

a natural consequence or result.

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As a film student, George Lucas wrote and directed one of the seminal sci-fi movies of the 20th Century, THX 1138.  Some would argue that it was merely a rip-off of "1984," but this was a film not from a novel, but for a solely cinematic medium, and a visually striking dystopian tale regardless of any parallels that can be drawn to other works.  It's not exactly a popcorn movie, but it's pretty original by even today standards, to say nothing of the year it was released (1971).

In 1973, Lucas directed American Graffiti, about his experiences growing up in Modesto, California.  A slice of life from his youth, the film was a critical and commercial hit, helping star Ron Howard make the transition from child star to Serious Actor, and at the same time catapulting him into opportunities to direct.  There was not a single CG-shot in the entire film, because CG had not yet been invented.

In 1976 Lucas shot Star Wars, which was released the following year.  The script was whittled down from a much larger, epic saga, a story which included the events of what would later become all three movies, if not six, if not more.  It was edited, re-written, re-submitted, until ultimately a version existed (the final draft that would become the movie) that the studio was happy with, even though they didn't really want to make the movie anyway.  Sci-fi wasn't exactly big business back then, but what the hell, he'd just directed a huge hit (Graffiti), so make it work for the money, and you can make your silly little passion project, George.

Everyone pitched in.  Little humorous moments suggested by Lucas's wife at the time, ad libs by Harrison Ford, and I'm sure acting advice by the coolest motherfucker in the room, Sir Alec Guinness.  If the studio did not like the actors, did not like the script, did not like the footage, this movie would not get made, regardless of Lucas' two prior feature-length movies, one of which was a school project.  Much like The Sixth Sense, Alien, or The Godfather, here are n00b directors who must prove themselves to the studio.  If the movie isn't good, or at least successful, the director can kiss his/her career goodbye.

So.  Lucas took advice from all sides, and made the version of Star Wars we all know and love.  The movie was a huge hit.  He got more money to make the sequel, The Empire Strikes Back, and hired a renowned sci-fi author (Leigh Brackett) to help write the script, and hired his old college professor Irvin Kershner to direct.  The movie was an even bigger hit, and one could argue, better than the original.  Their feedback was essential to the final version of Empire. Other writers and another director were brought in to flesh out The Return of the Jedi, and that was that.  Three hit films, and Lucas did not direct again from 1977.

Until.....

Twenty years later.  Now, if you're working for Lucas in 1977, and he says, "What if we made Han's sidekick a cute little 3-foot-tall furry dude," or, "What if Han shot second?" ... well, he's just your buddy from college, or perhaps the director of this shitty B-movie sci-fi film that you're convinced is going to bomb... you're going to tell him exactly what you think, which is that those ideas don't work.  And, as mentioned above, that's what people did.  Pages and pages have been written about this movie: writers, actors, producers, family, friends, everyone was a team player and everyone contributed, for the best possible version of Lucas's vision.  Lucas wasn't shy about taking ideas and I hope we can all agree that the 1977 version is the best possible version of the movie.

Now, again: Pretend you're working for Lucas in 1997, the year Phantom Menace was shot.  Lucas says, "Hey, how about we have a big, goofy caricature named Jar Jar who gets into wacky hijinks!"

I tell you exactly what you do.  You're working for George Lucas, one of the most revered names in Hollywood (Howard the Duck notwithstanding). You have a good job working for LucasFilm, or perhaps ILM.  You make a comfortable living.  So, you do what any other employee would do: You get your assignment, and you animate Jar Jar.  You give your boss what he wants, and then you go home.

What you DON'T do, is say, "George, that's fucking idiotic.  What if we did (insert literally any other idea here) instead?"

Because you don't talk like that to a boss.  It's show BUSINESS, after all.

And The Phantom Menace became a piece of shit, shocking and horrifying Star Wars fans the world over.  While it grossed a huge amount of money on its release, (1) so did everything Michael Bay ever made, and (2) It's thirteen years later and we all know that The Phantom Menace is a piece of shit, justifiably mocked by most anyone over the age of five years old.

"The Phantom Menace Corollary" is an easily-drawn conclusion, stated simply that "following marching orders does not mean you're doing good work."  Simply doing your job and collecting your paycheck, while certainly we all do need to be employed and be able to support ourselves, is not always the best thing for a person, for their bosses, or for the culture they love, work, or play in.

I have friends who work in the video game industry, and The PMC holds true there better than most anywhere, except for obviously the movies.  The boss will not listen to anyone but the boss, so there is no collaboration.  Either through stubborn-ness, or just sheer market research, the boss will stick to that plan right up until the moment it fails.  To speak out against it is sheer foolishness-- you'd just be replaced by someone who does as told.  Not that it would even occur to any of us to quit a job like that-- assignment, execution, completion.  The end.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with the PMC, but I know it when I see it, and I think you do, too.  From Indiana Jones and the KOCS to Men in Black 3, to every Tomb Raider game in the last ten (fifteen?) years, this is just sort of what we're stuck with.  We can't quit, because we need the job, but we can't offer our input, because we don't want to get fired.  And our masters seem to be getting dumber.

Personally I'd like to take the power back, but continued efforts to tell stupid people they're stupid have proven unsuccessful.

I'm looking at you, George.

Two Experiences, One Thumb

As you snicker at the title, keep in mind that it's very difficult in this day and age to name a body part without some sort of sexual connotation. Kidney, maybe... or spleen. I reserve "two spleens up" for horror movies, and there haven't been any ones of those since 1973. NO, SAW DOES NOT COUNT. GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN.

Okay, maybe there HAVE been some since 1973. Just not very many. That's a whole other blog and one I'm not prepared to go into until something interesting actually comes out.... Speaking of which: Horror parody idea. Green-screen night vision view of a couple sleeping in the bed... as the door next to them opens by itself... to reveal.... a fat man in a red suit (rendered black by the green tint), delivering presents to all the good girls and boys. ... Title? ... "Paranormal Nativity." You can use that, I just want my name on it. Bonus points for Jesus cameo.

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK
Two movies this week, because it's been thin for a while... I won't even address the Oscar nominations, because any world where "The Help" is a Best Picture nominee is a world I want to set on fire.

"The Artist" (dir. Michael Hazanavicius)

He of the director of the "OSS 117" movies, which are like a way more hilarious Mad Men. Misogynistic but lovable. Like your granddad. See the original sometime.

Anyway.

The Artist is a silent movie about the end of silent movies. George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is the biggest silent movie star in the world, everyone loves his movies, and everyone (save for a co-star or two) loves him. He is married to an indifferent wife, has an adoring dog, and is the very epitome of happy... until he meets Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo) by chance, on the red carpet at one of his premieres. They make an impression on one another, and in fact meet again when she's an extra on his next film... and there's something there. Something neither of them quite understand, but he's married, and she's (as it turns out), destined for stardom... in talkies. Their paths go very different directions. It's a silent movie but the language of silent movies is explained readily within the first few minutes, using camera angles, visual tricks, and even sound (well, the score) to accentuate the important and leave the rest in the background. After five minutes, you won't even notice it's a silent movie... except when the film calls attention to it. Which it does, because it's brilliant like that. I laughed. I cried. I marvelled in awe at the sheer thinness of John Goodman. And the music is pretty happenin' too.

For all the mediocre movies nominated for Best Picture this year, "The Artist" has to be at the top. It's not condescending (like "The Help"), and it's not so artistic as to render it inaccessible to anybody wanting to just watch a good movie one evening ("Tree of Life"). Best movie I saw in 2011, even though I technically watched it in 2012. I'll grade on a curve.

NEXT:

Haywire. (dir Steven Soderbergh)

WHO THE FUCK IS GINA CARANO?

Did you watch the remake of "American Gladiators" on NBC a few years back? The one with Hulk Hogan as one of the hosts? If not, skip to the next paragraph. If so, Gina Carano was "Crush," one of the female gladiators, and attacked her opponents with what can only be described as... bemusement. I saw an episode where the ref called her on one of her rule violations, and though she wasn't a large woman-- in fact, quite petite and adorable-- she DID just get done mopping the floor with this chick, knocking her off the platform within the assigned 30 seconds or whatever. She responded to the judge in this high-pitched, girlie little voice.... 19 seconds after doing horrible ultra-violence. I had a Crush on Crush, but I want to make it clear that I do not anymore because I have a beautiful girlfriend who studied martial arts and is a former competitive power lifter. And quite frankly she'd probably call dibs.

So, when that show was cancelled, Carano went back to her, I shit you not, Mixed Martial Arts career. Wiki her. Pro-record, 7-1. Steven Soderbergh saw her and said, "This lady should be in movies."

Now: Let's make this abundantly clear. Based on the above, Carano is a mixed-martial arts competitor and has no acting experience. It shows. Her line delivery is flat (not completely, but about 80% of the time), and her facial expression seems to have a default setting of "amused smirk." But name one other action star who can act. Schwarzenegger? Statham? Okay, Bruce Willis I'll give you, but he was an actor before he was in action movies. The rest of their shtick, beat people down, the end. Steven Seagal was a world-famous action star for the duration of the 90's, and he couldn't act his way out of a perforated paper bag. Acting isn't important. Can your action star kick ass?

Gina Carano takes out Channing Tatum (who can't act either, so maybe he's in there to make her look good), Magneto (Michael Fassbender), and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). Utterly obliterates them. In action movies, inexperienced directors will just shake the camera a lot so you can't really see what's going on-- Soderbergh sits back, keeps everything in-frame, only cuts away if the actors move out of it. It's shot beautifully, the fight scenes do not have music. That really is her, in a real fight. Not every punch lands, not every move is clean. But when she pulls a reverse on Tatum, puts him in a submission hold, and breaks his arm... you believe it. That guy's going to the hospital. And that's the first five minutes of the movie.

As a geek, I don't think Soderbergh knocks it out of the park every time. He's very, very good at working with actors, but he's only as good as his scripts... you can't polish a turd, and Ocean's 13 was what it was (I didn't hate it, but it couldn't hold a candle to his Ocean's 11). One review I read said it wasn't experimental like some of his more out-there work... I disagree. Lem Dobbs wrote it, a longtime Soderbergh collaborator... and while he has some mainstream movie credits, he also wrote or co-wrote "Dark City," "Kafka," and "The Limey" ... the latter two of which were directed by Soderbergh and were firmly in the "artistic" portion of his resume. Alternatively, the opening and closing credits are in the same style as "Ocean's 11," so you make the call. The film jumps around in time, plays with flashbacks, has a bare minimum of explanation for certain plot points. In "Ocean's 11" or "Out of Sight," you know what's going on at all times. In "Haywire," you only know Carano's Mallory and Ewan McGregor's Kenneth used to be a couple because one of them lets it slip several minutes into their first scene together. Or because you read it first in some asshole's blog. Paying attention is rewarded. Not paying attention just means you'll jump in your seat when suddenly a boring talking scene explodes into smashed furniture with no warning whatsoever. Then someone probably get handcuffed or shot.

Four out of Four stars on "The Artist."

Three out of Four on "Haywire," if only because Carano could've sold it a little better. But Schwarzenegger, Statham, Seagal and even Chuck Norris didn't exactly hit it out of the park on their first movie, either. So.... suck it.

NOT FUCKING GEEK

"The Artist."

Hadn't seen a silent movie in forever. This is a good one. Girlfriend t'weren't sure going in, but loved it as the credits rolled. Plus the leads were cute as shit.

"Haywire."

What other fucking action movie are you going to see this month? Red Tails? One for the Money? Fuck George Lucas and fuck Katherine Heigl. It has Ewan McGregor being evil Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, doing some fassbending, and Michael Douglas being smug. In six months you can buy this movie on DVD and throw it on at any party, in between Statham movies, and say, "Haywire? Oh yeah, it's fun. Pretty obscure though. Most people haven't heard of it."

..... hmm. Geek/Not Geek? Crap. Is "Geek/Fucking Hipster" taken? I apologize to my legions of fan.

"The Artist" could go next to "Slumdog Millionaire" or "The Hurt Locker," for tiny little obscure movies that won Best Picture, just by being that outstanding.

"Haywire" goes next to "Way of the Gun," for really entertaining action movies with famous names attached, but got shit for publicity anyway.

Latest possible next installment: The Cabin in the Woods. No, nothing on TV has excited me lately. Watch "Community" wherever you can stream or order it.

May God bless Allah, may Allah bless God, and may both bless the United States of America.

Play ball.