NOT GEEK
Some fan (we assume) made a new trailer for "The Expendables," in which many explosions and guns are highlighted, culminating with the statement, "If this movie doesn't beat 'Eat Pray Love' at the box office the weekend of August 13th, we as a nation are doomed."
Yes.
Never mind that "Eat Pray Love" was directed by Ryan Murphy, director of the cult hit "Running with Scissors," and more notably creator of the TV series "Glee." Never mind that it stars Julia Roberts, one of the few lasting female American movie starts of the last 30 years. NEVER MIND THAT THE POSTER HAS HER QUIRKILY EATING ICE CREAM ON A BENCH.
And never mind that "quirkily" is probably not a word.
Romantic comedies are cute and what-not, and guys will occasionally see them on the presumption it will get them laid (at least that is what they will say to other guys; I have certainly never ever watched a Meryl Streep movie willingly *cough*) ... BUT THIS IS THE DAMN EXPENDABLES.
The greatest action heroes of the 1980's, nay, of an entire generation (save for Chuck Norris) unite to blow up every damn thing in their way. Machismo will be wielded like a double-edged sword, asses will be kicked, set pieces will detonate in a manner rarely seen since Ronald Reagan was fucking up the White House. Stallone has been building back up his empire with "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo," and here he's got all his buddies to show the younger generation how it's done.
And also Jason Statham for no apparent reason. Good for him. Having appeared in a Uwe Boll movie is a bigger stain on his career than any ten Dolph Lundgren movies.
Go for the nostalgia. Stay for the possible homoeroticism. THE 1980'S ARE OVER. LONG LIVE THE 1980's.
GEEK
Look.
It's not that I'm not grateful for this conflagration of testosterone, because I enjoy seeing someone get punched in the face as much as the next XY-type person. I'm a fan of things exploding, but where the Rampant Geekness comes into it is, I want a story to go with it. Not simply a chain-link fence of fight scene after car chase after fight scene, in much the same way porn compilations get boring after too long. If there's not a story linking it together, who gives a fuck?
Stallone won an Oscar in 1976 for writing "Rocky," but 1976 was a long time ago. He's written a number of movies since then, but none had the same reception... and, in fact, despite his recent career Renaissance with "Rocky Balboa" (pretty good) and "Rambo" (fucking awesome), he's still only directed eight movies in his entire life.
Since 1978.
Including "The Expendables."
Paradise Alley, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky Balboa, Rambo, The Expendables.
That's it. That's the sum-total of his directorial experience.
No living human being has ever actually seen Paradise Alley, and having taken a moment to google it, I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to add it to my Netflix queue. I did recently re-watch the Rocky movies just before "Balboa" came out, and time has been kind to some, but not all.
Rocky III and Rocky IV are exceptionally manly to the point of bordering on parody, and hell, in IV, Rocky single-handedly brings down communism. Good for him. Even Schwarzenegger couldn't pull that one off.
.... And yet, despite its awesomeness, he didn't direct a movie at all between 1985 and 2006. That's 21 years. George Lucas went 20 years between directing "Star Wars" and "The Phantom Menace" .... yes, TPM came out in 1999, but this is the 'geek' section and TPM began production in 1997. Anyway. My point being:
Twenty years is a long time. Rocky Balboa was not without its flaws, and Rambo, while awesome, was actually rather short, and within weeks Stallone talked publicly about yet another Rambo sequel, in which the boy fought aliens or some fucking thing. You know.... ruining it. Bad Stallone. Bad, naughty Stallone.
Will "The Expendables" be awesome? Well, it's not even out yet, but it's already leaning toward self-parody... the 1980's hair-metal song over the trailer is actually NOT a point in its favor, because people Stallone's age have grown out of that, and people born in the 1980's don't give a fuck. You can either re-invent it, or live in the past; you can't do both.
The cast is great, and I'm sure all their checks cleared. But... what if, say, not a single famous person appeared in the movie? Or what if it were just Stallone and a bunch of no-names? (like in, say, Rambo?). Would the movie still be good? Would the dialogue still be memorable, the action sequences original?
I have no fucking idea. And when I see it Saturday afternoon (like a damn old person), those will be the things I (and you) will be judging it on, casting be damned. Because once you get over the shock of seeing Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Stallone and in the same scene together, there better be some important shit going on, or else all you're left with is.... well, your two favorite porn stars sitting on a couch together and talking about People Magazine. Entertaining for a minute, but then you're frustrated.
"Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" opens August 13th in America, at a theater near you. I'm getting my geek on, because despite Edgar Wright having directed less than 8 movies in his life, all of them have happened since 2004, and they've all been worth watching multiple times, sharing with friends, and quoting along with joyously.
Not a single "Paradise Alley" in the bunch.
And, seriously. "Rocky II" was just plain bad. Like really, really awful.
It's the 21st century now, bitches.
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