Are You There God? It's Me, Warren

Dear Almighty,

If you don't exist, no one's reading this. If you do exist... are you there, God? It's me, Warren.

I had a terrifying thought today, and I was hoping you of all Entities could take care of that. There may or may not be other entities to choose from, but I just want you to know I'm coming to you first, as a token of goodwill, and because my parents had me baptized when I was too young to know what I was getting myself into.

Going about my business the other day, I realized with depressing horror that someday Christopher Walken is going to die.

Please, I beseech you: We cannot let this happen. I cannot let this happen, and You cannot let this happen. So I am writing to You. And even though every human ever born has eventually died, I pray to you that just this once, in this one lone case, you will make an exception.

Other humans might say, isn't there a more worthy cause? What about doctors, and healers, and moral authorities, and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters? What about really really sexy people?

Almighty, Christopher Walken is all of these. All of these and more.

John Malkovich is intimidatingly intelligent, but is he Christopher Walken? No, he certainly isn't.

Nelson Mandela brought an entire nation together, but did he ever make you remember a wristwatch in the same way Christopher Walken did?

Chuck Norris has perhaps kicked more ass than You have created asses, and he also has a beard that most of your followers are pretty sure you wear. But does Chuck Norris really make us think of eggplant in the same way as Christopher Walken?

Can John Malkovich, or Nelson Mandela, or Chuck Norris.... DANCE, like Christopher Walken?

No almighty, they cannot.

Christopher Walken has done many good works, and the most important of these is being Christopher Walken. He has inspired, terrified, and done that thing with his voice. To deprive the world of Christopher Walken is to steal away for generations and generations the sheer unique wonder that is... he. Generations today do not appreciate Humphrey Bogart, or Malcolm X, or FDR in the same way as they did in their heyday because their work is now quantifiable. It had a limited time on this earth, as we all do, and then it saw an end.

For Christopher Walken there must be no end. To deprive future humans of Christopher Walken would be to deprive them of a tree, or a rainstorm, or the songs of birds chirping as the orange sun rises over the horizon. It would be like omitting an entire sexual position from the repertoire of every human beyond the year 2010. Generations forward will speak of it with quiet awe, but none will believe any of it ever really existed.

For if... if INDEED you are the Almighty, then there is room for someone who lives as long but still walks and works upon this Earth. Your reasons that we all must die, "For everything there is a season..." And we would all know that we do have a season. And some young, untried soul might pipe up and say, "But why doesn't Christopher Walken's season end?"

To which we, the wise, will reply, "Because he's Christopher Fucking Walken."

I know you're good with this, and are a fan of His works. And even though I'm pretty sure it's apocryphal, I'm really sorry my relative ate that apple. Do-over?

Warmest Personal Regards,

A fan of yours but not all of your followers,
A fan of Christopher Walken's but not all his followers,

Pope-a-Dope

p.s. If it turns out you ARE Christopher Walken, is there really a reason to end the double-duty? Your mysterious ways make every film you're in awesome.