ELAPSED NUMBER OF SECONDS INTO MOVIE BEFORE JACOB TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF: Ten. It's literally in the opening shot of the movie.
At this point, I'd like to remind my loyal reader that I have never read any book by Stephenie Meyer (I literally did not notice it was Stephenie, not Stephanie, until I watched this movie), nor have I watched any of the movies. I knew there was some fighting and some shirtless dudes and the bad guy from "Tron Legacy" was also occasionally the bad guy here, but other than that, this was my first foray into the world of Team Edward vs Team Jacob vs Team Abercrombie vs Team Fitch.
Some observations:
1. To be fair, Jacob does not appear shirtless again for the entire movie. Sort of once for a half second, as a special effects, but only because:
2. Jacob, and his family of homeless racially-neutral-possibly-mostly Native Americans, must have a HUGE clothing budget. He's constantly shredding his clothing so he can turn into a werewolf, then has another comfortable, stylish shirt on the next time we see him. At one point, he even kicks over his motorcycle. How is he paying to repair this? Does he have a job? Does the wolfpack work down at the Jamba Juice? These are things I need to know.
3. The first time we see Jacob, after the opening shirt-rending scene, he emerges from a forest. As he is fully clothed, we must assume he walked on two legs. Where the hell did he park? How did he avoid getting his clothes jacked up by the forest, especially in "Washington," in what I presume is the springtime? And if he did park somewhere, why does he act all weirded out when he thinks he hears a noise from the forest behind him? He JUST walked out of there. Was he worried somebody was fucking with his bike? Then why does he kick over the bike later in the movie? Had they fucked up the paintjob, and now it's ruined? This DOES seem consistent with his character, I must admit.
4. Kristen Stewart is not a shitty actress. Everyone be nice to poor, misunderstood K-Stew. She was good in "The Runaways," and she was good ten years ago in "Panic Room." She has the skills. It's just awkward to do things with scenes like,
Bella (who is pregnant): I'm so happy I'm pregnant.
Jacob (who half an hour ago said he couldn't see her again): It's not human. You don't know what it is.
Bella: (who excelled in school and plays chess with her new husband as a way to pass the time) I'll be fine. I'm tough. I will survive a half-vampire baby that is already making me visibly ill, and will quite possibly tear out of my stomach like that movie "Alien," which I didn't see because if I'm 18 in 2011 that means I was born in 1993 and all the good Alien movies came out before then.
Jacob: I can't watch you do this. I'm leaving. I can't see you again. (20 minutes later, he totally does)
Other actors of note: every female vampire. Both Bella's parents. Pattinson is given absolutely nothing to do, but he does look suitably tortured all the time. Why is he tortured? I have no idea. Probably because of all those people he killed.
Wait what? Literally, second scene in the movie:
Bella: OMG, I can't believe I'm 18 and about to marry my 150-year-old boyfriend, which is SEVEN TIMES OLDER THAN ME. Totes for realz.
Edward: No, wait, you don't know everything about me. Even though the wedding is tomorrow, I'm dropping this on you now. Remember the whole basis for us falling in love? Me being peaceful and vegetarian and shit? I'm a fucking liar. I killed people. Often. Totally dudes that were gonna kill people, but I can't prove that, because this all happened fifty years before you were born.
Bella: I'm sure they were all bad. Enjoy your bachelor party! Bye-ee!(falls asleep)
5. Ladies. Have you seen the movie? You've been fantasizing about your wedding all your life, I bet. Those of you who are married, I bet you secretly wish you could have another one, just to feel like a Princess. Now, given all that going on in your head.... do you know which hand you wear your wedding ring on? Yeah? .... BELLA DOESN'T. Watch that shit. It jumps hands like five times.
6. Jumping back to early in the movie, at the wedding...
JACOB: Well, he's gonna murder you and turn you into a vampire. Oh well, that sucks. But as long as you're happy.
BELLA: OMG, totally not yet. We're gonna fuck on our honeymoon, shit's gonna be HOT. Totes.
JACOB: He's a vampire. Ten minutes ago you saw one carrying an entire tree over his shoulder. To say nothing of three previous movies. If he fucks you, his orgasm might quite possibly blow your head off.
BELLA: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, JACOB. I'M EIGHTEEN, I DO WHAT I WANT.
EDWARD: (who had just left to dance with someone, but has now reappeared suddenly) I say, kindly back away, what what.
JACOB'S POSSE: (one of whom I'm sure jacked up Jacob's bike) QUITE RIGHT, WHAT WHAT. LEAVE BELLA ALONE. SHE'S SO PRETTY AND YOU ARE CAUSING FROWN LINES.
JACOB: Bella, fine. Whatever. I can't see you anymore. (runs off into the forest)
EVERYONE: JACOB, LEAVE YOUR SHIRT ON!
JACOB: NO!
7. Vampires. There's Edward, then there's blonde-wig guy, who's on Nurse Jackie. Then there's big-forehead girl, who was on Grey's Anatomy a few seasons back. Then there's short pixie-cut girl, who actually seems to have a fun character to play. Then there's big beefy stupid-looking guy, who probably fucked the director to get the part, except he's so dumb he doesn't know where his penis goes. Then there's random vampire chick who hates werewolves and that's all she ever talks about, then Edward hands her the baby at the end anyway, because there wasn't a basinette handy, I guess. Then... THEN... there's the other guy. Other blonde dude, I think he's attached to pixie-cut girl in some way. THAT GUY. He got paid for an entire movie and says three words. HOW IS THIS FAIR.
SCREENWRITER: Here's your scene for the day. I know you dressed up in costume for the wedding scene, but you totally get to talk this time.
THAT GUY (Who I'm assured is Jackson Rathbone): Possibly.
SCREENWRITER: JUST LIKE THAT. Say your line JUST LIKE THAT.
.... srsly. That's his only line in the first 110 minutes of a 117 minute movie. In the final minutes, I think he says something like, "Not anymore." Not even a complete sentence. But two words definitely. I'll bet he pulls all kinds of tail with that kind of street cred.
8. The closest thing to an action sequence is when the vampires and Jacob hole themselves up in their fortified compound (in fucking FORKS), and they're all slowly starving to death because there's no blood... except Jacob is not starving to death because apparently vampires keep cheeseburgers and protein shakes. Anyway, Jacob stages a brilliant diversion to distract the surrounding werewolves, so 2-3 vampires can escape and get more blood. ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM THE MOVIE:
Jacob: Did They make it out?
Edward: Yes.
... HOW DOES EDWARD KNOW THIS? Was he watching with binoculars? Well, no, he was too busy staring at Bella. Do the vampires have cell phones? Well yes, because Bella makes a call on Edwards earlier in the movie. ... IF YOU HAVE A CELLPHONE, WHY NOT JUST CALL FOR HELP INSTEAD OF SENDING THREE GUYS OUT THROUGH A PACK OF WEREWOLVES? Are these the only six vampires in the entire world? That's not very convenient. Their fetishes must be very boring, headstrong teenage girls who excel in school and have absolutely no interest in bettering themselves in any way, only landing a husband.
9. Bella has a baby. It's horrific. You can't see anything, but they have to rip her dress for an emergency operation. Once that's over, the dress has mysteriously healed itself. VAMPIRE DRESS.
10. Bill Condon directed this movie, who is also the director of "Gods and Monsters," a movie about the gay director of the first two black-and-white Frankenstein movies... and also "Dreamgirls." Seriously. This guy has Oscars. So. How did he do with the material, a book that most people said was unfilmable?
With the exception of the plot only moving forward because Bella or Jacob must occasionally do things that no human being could possibly choose ("It will kill you!" ... "That's my choice!" / "If you don't let me kill her, I'll kill you!" ... "I'mma go hide in the woods like a BITCH!")
... yeah. With those exceptions, the photography, pacing, acting (except for Jacob, who CAN'T), sets, costumes, are all great. The characters are mostly legally retarded, but that's not the fault of the director, only Stephenie Meyer. And the people who buy her books.
WHAT IS THE PLOT OF BREAKING DAWN?
A plot is typically something involving (a) a complicating incident, (b) rising action, (c) climax, (d) denoument.
For this movie, (a) the complicating incident is.... um. Hmm. Well, the movie starts with Jacob seeing the wedding announcement, and immediately taking his shirt off... 20 minutes later the wedding is over. So that's not it. Is it the pregnancy? No, that's halfway through the movie. Is it Jacob taking his shirt off? Yes, I suspect so.
(b) rising action. Nothing happens for the first half hour, except the wedding, which is all just wacky hijinks and a broken bedroom set. Bella has two bruises. I bruised my girlfriend more than that while playing Halo. Fucking amateurs.
Then Bella is pregnant, and everyone's all freaking out. Vampires don't want this, werewolves just don't want Bella to die, because she's so pretty, or something. Jacob has much angst over taking his shirt off.
(c) Climax? Uh... the baby is born. Jacob decides not to kill it, because apparently he is extremely sexually attracted to 5-minute-old infants. Also Bella dies. Except not really.
(d) Denoument... the werewolves decide not to kick Jacob's ass, because you do not fuck with a man who is sexually attracted to 5-minute-old infants. And that's it. Bella wakes up as a vampire, and the movie ends. What was resolved? Uh... Bella lost her virginity. And Jacob decides to keep his shirt on.
ELEVEN:
BOOK PUBLISHER: Hey, so, what do you want to name Bella's baby?
STEPHENIE MEYER: I'm going to name that precious little girl..... RENESMEE. As a combination of Renee and Esmee.
BOOK PUBLISHER: That is the stupidest goddamn thing I ever heard. Even your fans will think so. Don't call her that.
STEPHENIE MEYER: I'M STEPHENIE MEYER, MOTHERFUCKER. I SOLD FORTY MILLION COPIES. SUCK MY MOTHAFUCKIN' DICK.
.... and that's my review of the movie. Hugz?
xoxo
PA13
p.s. (twelve: i love my girlfriend and wanted to do something nice for her. brought her flowers, took her and her ten-year-old son to see this movie. he was bored to death, slightly scared during birth scene. girlfriend kissed me a lot and later at home totally asked me to take my shirt off. everyone wins. except Jacob, who is still a virgin. Hugz?)
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