Here's a twist:
NOT GEEK
OMG this looks GREAT! So freakin' awesome... the trailers look great, and did you hear DAFT PUNK is doing the soundtrack? The first movie was early electronica as far as the soundtrack, so the producers this time around got THE PREMIER electronica artists of 2010 for this! Is liking Daft Punk not geeky? Let's save that question for someone else's blog, "Hipster/Not Hipster."
GEEK
Dude.
People have been nutting themselves over this movie for months, and the first trailer(s) looked great. I was going to link them (for science) but could not easily find an embedded one, so I just gave up. ... Because I am a Geek, and therefore I weigh 300+ pounds, never shave, and sweat easily. Etc. Etc.
TRAILER ONE: Leaked on the net, it was just two random dudes on their light-cycles. I was cynical, but I let it slide: It's the light cycles. That's like making an X-Men movie and only showing Wolverine in the trailer. Or making a Monopoly movie, and only showing the racecar. It's what we want, but it's not indicative of the final product.
TRAILER TWO: This is the one that gave everyone wood. Slow mood-building, Bruce Boxleitner cameo (that guy looks familiar...), then BAM, score switches to electronic and we're seeing a towering, extremely familiar image of a Space Paranoid. Then the crazy guy with the air guitar. Then the hot chick on the sofa. Then Young Bridges. ZOMG WTF LOL AHHHH.
I watched this trailer about 197 times, and the first 196... okay, let me excise hyperbole (I don't really talk like that in real life): I watched the trailer literally about ten times the first week or so it was out, and after about a dozen, it started to crack for me.
I thought, "Why show these specific elements? They look cool, but what are they telling me about the story?"
Answer: Nothing.
These are things in every single story Hollywood creates. I read this in a review of a movie you and I have already forgotten about, the CGI-animated "Nine" starring celebrity voices and with Tim Burton's name in the credits because it sells tickets. But it applies to most movies: Stock characters. (1) Hero. (2) The friend of the hero/wacky comic relief who has some inherent flaw, but is there as a sounding board/deus ex machine so our hero completes the task. (3) Wise sage (4) A girl. (5) The bad guy.
Go down your mental rolodex. Yes, I just listed the cast for every Shrek and Toy Story film. And I'm not being pretentious, I really really loved Toy Story 1-2 and the first Shrek movie. I haven't seen Toy Story 3 because I am old and you need to get the hell off my lawn.
Anyway: Tron Legacy. These are just the standard movie stock characters. The hero (Flynn Jr), the friend of the hero (Bruce Boxleitner), the wise sage (quite probably Old Bridges), a girl (Olivia Wilde, who at least in the trailer serves no other purpose than to look hot and help the hero out. Really? She can't be the hero? She seems to know her way around weaponry. But this being Disney, it is her job to be pretty and tell the hero "You can do it!"), and the bad guy (presumably Young Flynn).
Well now as stylistic as the trailer is, I'm sorta cranky. But no, I tell myself. Even though everyone is super-excited for this movie, even those people who were born AFTER the original came out (1982), I will STILL withhold judgment. It's just a trailer. They make it to have as broad of an appeal as possible. TOP MEN are working on this film. TOP.... MEN.
I even ignored my own rule about, "It can't be 5-Star movie if it's the director's first film." Cuz it is. The new director has done commercials, but that's it. Then again, the director of the original Tron only ever directed the original Tron. There's wiggle-room.
THEN CAME THE MOST RECENT TRAILER. Clearly buzz is deafening for the flick, because people watched this piece of shit and ARE STILL BUZZED ABOUT THE MOVIE. You remember in Zoolander where Zoolander kept giving the same look, and Will Ferrell was all like, "AM I TAKING F&%# CRAZY PILLS?!!"
It's like that.
I am by no means a video game afficionado, and have played far fewer games than I have seen movies or even owned CD's. But while young-Bridges in the first trailer (seen only briefly) looks like simply an old-Bridges with major air-brushing (see also: Benjamin Button), in the new trailer, young-Bridges face moves, and IT LOOKS WORSE THAN VIDEO GAMES FROM 2005. Like it's not even remotely fooling anyone. Or, apparently it's fooling EVERYONE, because nobody seems to notice. It looks like ASS. It looks less-realistic than the skeletons in Pirates of the Caribbean, and that movie is five years old TOO. Do they just figure, screw it, we spent enough money, people won't notice because nobody cried foul about Gollum?
... Okay, Gollum was shot dark, but he didn't have to look human. But when he shared the screen with a real person, it looked bad, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone here.
CGI-Bridges looks like shit. We still know nothing about the story. It's a first-time director.
While I am not without a childlike sense of joy, and am currently twitching in a POSITIVE way about other movies opening between now and Christmas, every single thing I've seen about Tron: Legacy points to a Phantom Menace-esque experience, or best-case scenario, Revenge of the Sith.
And while Revenge of the Sith was clearly the best of the New Three, it couldn't hold a candle to the Original Trilogy, and we all know this.
Seriously, when was the last time Disney put out quality anything? Even Pixar wasn't their doing; Pixar owned them so many times that eventually Disney shut down its own hand-drawn animation department. Because they got BEAT. By an upstart company with ACTUAL TALENT.
I am too young to be old and cynical. But the movie looks like a C+, and while de-rezzing gladiators looks pretty cool, the actual human fight choreography looks like shit, or at least the 1.5 seconds they've bothered to put in the trailer. And trust me, if it looked good, there'd be more of it.
On the upside, the entire soundtrack is on YouTube, and it is awesome.
Bring on Harry Potter. Bring on 127 Hours. Bring on True Grit.
Let's do this thing.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Are You There God? It's Me, Warren
Dear Almighty,
If you don't exist, no one's reading this. If you do exist... are you there, God? It's me, Warren.
I had a terrifying thought today, and I was hoping you of all Entities could take care of that. There may or may not be other entities to choose from, but I just want you to know I'm coming to you first, as a token of goodwill, and because my parents had me baptized when I was too young to know what I was getting myself into.
Going about my business the other day, I realized with depressing horror that someday Christopher Walken is going to die.
Please, I beseech you: We cannot let this happen. I cannot let this happen, and You cannot let this happen. So I am writing to You. And even though every human ever born has eventually died, I pray to you that just this once, in this one lone case, you will make an exception.
Other humans might say, isn't there a more worthy cause? What about doctors, and healers, and moral authorities, and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters? What about really really sexy people?
Almighty, Christopher Walken is all of these. All of these and more.
John Malkovich is intimidatingly intelligent, but is he Christopher Walken? No, he certainly isn't.
Nelson Mandela brought an entire nation together, but did he ever make you remember a wristwatch in the same way Christopher Walken did?
Chuck Norris has perhaps kicked more ass than You have created asses, and he also has a beard that most of your followers are pretty sure you wear. But does Chuck Norris really make us think of eggplant in the same way as Christopher Walken?
Can John Malkovich, or Nelson Mandela, or Chuck Norris.... DANCE, like Christopher Walken?
No almighty, they cannot.
Christopher Walken has done many good works, and the most important of these is being Christopher Walken. He has inspired, terrified, and done that thing with his voice. To deprive the world of Christopher Walken is to steal away for generations and generations the sheer unique wonder that is... he. Generations today do not appreciate Humphrey Bogart, or Malcolm X, or FDR in the same way as they did in their heyday because their work is now quantifiable. It had a limited time on this earth, as we all do, and then it saw an end.
For Christopher Walken there must be no end. To deprive future humans of Christopher Walken would be to deprive them of a tree, or a rainstorm, or the songs of birds chirping as the orange sun rises over the horizon. It would be like omitting an entire sexual position from the repertoire of every human beyond the year 2010. Generations forward will speak of it with quiet awe, but none will believe any of it ever really existed.
For if... if INDEED you are the Almighty, then there is room for someone who lives as long but still walks and works upon this Earth. Your reasons that we all must die, "For everything there is a season..." And we would all know that we do have a season. And some young, untried soul might pipe up and say, "But why doesn't Christopher Walken's season end?"
To which we, the wise, will reply, "Because he's Christopher Fucking Walken."
I know you're good with this, and are a fan of His works. And even though I'm pretty sure it's apocryphal, I'm really sorry my relative ate that apple. Do-over?
Warmest Personal Regards,
A fan of yours but not all of your followers,
A fan of Christopher Walken's but not all his followers,
Pope-a-Dope
p.s. If it turns out you ARE Christopher Walken, is there really a reason to end the double-duty? Your mysterious ways make every film you're in awesome.
If you don't exist, no one's reading this. If you do exist... are you there, God? It's me, Warren.
I had a terrifying thought today, and I was hoping you of all Entities could take care of that. There may or may not be other entities to choose from, but I just want you to know I'm coming to you first, as a token of goodwill, and because my parents had me baptized when I was too young to know what I was getting myself into.
Going about my business the other day, I realized with depressing horror that someday Christopher Walken is going to die.
Please, I beseech you: We cannot let this happen. I cannot let this happen, and You cannot let this happen. So I am writing to You. And even though every human ever born has eventually died, I pray to you that just this once, in this one lone case, you will make an exception.
Other humans might say, isn't there a more worthy cause? What about doctors, and healers, and moral authorities, and mothers and fathers and sons and daughters? What about really really sexy people?
Almighty, Christopher Walken is all of these. All of these and more.
John Malkovich is intimidatingly intelligent, but is he Christopher Walken? No, he certainly isn't.
Nelson Mandela brought an entire nation together, but did he ever make you remember a wristwatch in the same way Christopher Walken did?
Chuck Norris has perhaps kicked more ass than You have created asses, and he also has a beard that most of your followers are pretty sure you wear. But does Chuck Norris really make us think of eggplant in the same way as Christopher Walken?
Can John Malkovich, or Nelson Mandela, or Chuck Norris.... DANCE, like Christopher Walken?
No almighty, they cannot.
Christopher Walken has done many good works, and the most important of these is being Christopher Walken. He has inspired, terrified, and done that thing with his voice. To deprive the world of Christopher Walken is to steal away for generations and generations the sheer unique wonder that is... he. Generations today do not appreciate Humphrey Bogart, or Malcolm X, or FDR in the same way as they did in their heyday because their work is now quantifiable. It had a limited time on this earth, as we all do, and then it saw an end.
For Christopher Walken there must be no end. To deprive future humans of Christopher Walken would be to deprive them of a tree, or a rainstorm, or the songs of birds chirping as the orange sun rises over the horizon. It would be like omitting an entire sexual position from the repertoire of every human beyond the year 2010. Generations forward will speak of it with quiet awe, but none will believe any of it ever really existed.
For if... if INDEED you are the Almighty, then there is room for someone who lives as long but still walks and works upon this Earth. Your reasons that we all must die, "For everything there is a season..." And we would all know that we do have a season. And some young, untried soul might pipe up and say, "But why doesn't Christopher Walken's season end?"
To which we, the wise, will reply, "Because he's Christopher Fucking Walken."
I know you're good with this, and are a fan of His works. And even though I'm pretty sure it's apocryphal, I'm really sorry my relative ate that apple. Do-over?
Warmest Personal Regards,
A fan of yours but not all of your followers,
A fan of Christopher Walken's but not all his followers,
Pope-a-Dope
p.s. If it turns out you ARE Christopher Walken, is there really a reason to end the double-duty? Your mysterious ways make every film you're in awesome.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
J for Jehovah
NOT GEEK
Well, this happened:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/8069472/Homer-Simpson-is-a-true-Catholic.html
Let me explain. No no, there is too much, let me sum up: The Vatican newspaper published a story about how, looking at the evidence, Homer J. Simpson (and son Bart) are true Catholics.
Yeah. Out of nowhere, right? Is this the Catholic Church trying to look cool, like a few months back when they declared "The Blues Brothers" to be a good Christian movie? (yeah, that happened too: in case you missed it). Is the newspaper just getting more freedom now that the Pope is German? Much like the ingredients to Coke, we will never know, but one thing remains clear:
The Catholic Church is insane.
Now, I know a thing or two about the world. I watch The Daily Show and I once read half of a Time Magazine in the dentists' office, so already I'm more informed than the entire Fox News demographic. And I know Catholics don't like being called insane. It's rude. And while I may not hold their beliefs, I respect their right to congregate, and hold meetings, much like any other independent private organization, like AA, or Canada.
Then again, they follow a fictional character, and Homer Simpson is a fictional character, so I can see where they might get confused. But make no mistake: That article exists. Which we can only take to mean that the Catholic Church, or someone very high up within it, has watched all 20+ seasons of "The Simpsons."
That is time well spent. It's like finding out Barack Obama watches "Jersey Shore." No, I'm not linking anything here. It's too painful.
MY POINT: What the paper fails to mention, outside of Homer Simpson being a Catholic (apparently), is that if he IS a Catholic, he is of course going Hell. Yes, Hell. With a capital H. H for Homer.
"Oh," sayeth the article. "We get pop culture too! We are not your grandfathers' Catholic Church! We are hip, and with-it, and get the references! Being a Catholic is cool... like The Simpsons!"
Well first of all, Catholic Church, I'd like to commend you on updating your pop culture barometer from 1692, all the way up to 1992. That's quite a leap for you and I commend you. Now if you can just give the thumbs up to women going on the pill, we might be getting somewhere.
OFFICIAL 'HEP-CAT' PRESS RELEASE: "Homer Simpson is a Catholic!"
BEHIND THE MUSIC: If Homer Simpson were a Catholic, his Priest would slap the shit out of him, and while it isn't actually likely Bart was being touched inappropriately by a Catholic priest, if he WERE, we would transfer the priest to Shelbyville and say no more about it.
Or, to put it in a less offensive way, "If Homer Simpson were real, we would ex-communicate him, but since he's not, we're trying to drum up support via the use of his wacky antics."
The following is a list of all the cardinal sins to which Homer has succumbed. If you're guessing "seven" without even scrolling down.... well, Jesus Christ, you're right.
ENVY: He's constantly envying/stealing Flanders' shit. He even coveted Flanders' wife's ass, when she was alive (Maude Flanders R.I.P.)
SLOTH: Duh
LUST: Granted, it's usually for his wife ("And I know I was dreaming because usually I dream of naked.... Marge."), but he also goes to strip clubs all the time and whistles at women in bikinis. As opposed to, say, Smithers, who avoids such temptations because he is a good Christian man and entry into Heaven is assured.
GREED: Greed for BEER.
GLUTTONY: Further Duh.
... at this point I had to bust out Wikipedia, because even after the Brad Pitt movie I couldn't remember all seven, but if I ever get famous, don't worry... the Vatican will probably try and pin me as a Catholic, too.
WRATH: "Flanders was a zombie?"
PRIDE: You've seen Homer with his shirt off, and you know he knows he looks good. Also he's got a hot wife he has sex with a lot, which puts pretty much every guy into the "I'm bulletproof" mindset.
AND THEN THERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
1) "I am the Lord Thy God. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."
Homer Simpson: "Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
.... also, there was the episode where Homer sold his soul to the Devil, but then got out of it thanks to his lawyer proving his soul already belonged to Marge.
2) "No Graven Images, even though this is just a paraphrasing of the First Commandment."
I can paraphrase too, Bible. See?
(Homer is listening to football on his walkman in church)
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good!
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.
3) "Thou Shalt Not Take My Name in Vain, Even If It IS Only My First Name, Bro."
Homer says a lot of mean things about church, but can we all agree the only reason he doesn't swear more creatively is because of the Fox censors?
4) "Remember the Sabbath Day, Keep it Holy... Yadda Yadda Yadda."
They've done entire episodes about this.
Flanders: Sport on a Sunday? I don't kn--
Rev. Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned.
5) "Honor Thy Father & Mother"
Homer sure does love his mom. Homer sure does treat his dad like total shit. HILARIOUS shit.
6) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder."
Again, I turn you to my favorite Simpsons quote of all time, "Flanders Was a Zombie?" ... Maybe it's out-of-continuity cuz it was a Halloween episode, but I'm still pretty sure I've seen him touch the skin of an unclean animal, and I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible too. Right next to the part about slavery being okay and weed being an abomination.
And oh yeah.... FRANK. GRIMES.
7) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."
Now here's a tricky one. While it is technically true that Homer has never physically cheated on Marge, he has developed some emotional connections of which Marge wholly disapproved. Ask a guy what cheating is, he'll say, "Boning another chick." (because yes, we really talk like that). Ask a woman what cheating is, she's more likely to say, "Forming a close, emotional bond with another woman. Oh, and also, boning another chick."
It's interesting, though, that in addition to only sleeping with Marge since they were married, the implication is that he's only had sex with Marge, EVER. Then again, the show states he knocked up Marge right after high school, and Bart is ten, which means Homer is between 28-30 years old. Bullshit on THAT.
8) "Thou Shalt Not Steal."
Which episode was it where Homer tries to get out of paying his bar tab? ALL OF THEM.
9) "Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor." (also, thou shalt not neighbor false witness against thy bear).
Chief Wiggum: "Oh, yeah! You can pretty much legally kill a man in your own home."
Homer: Flanders, get over here!
Ned: High-dilly-hi!
Chief Wiggum: It doesn't count of you invite him in.
Homer: Aw. Get lost, Flanders.
Ned: Toodly-doo!
... yes, that's not the same thing as saying, "Ned killed that guy," but it's still funny.
10) "Thou Shalt Not Covet."
We covered this in the Sin list, but,
"Your wife's BUTT, is higher than my wife's BUTT...."
This is not to say Homer wanted to get with Maude, but as everyone knows, religious girls are absolutely freaky in bed. Then again, Ned has an 18-inch penis, so it's unlikely Homer was going to be able to get the job done, unless Maude had a secret fetish for fat alcoholics.
So, 7 of 7 on the sins, and 8 or 9 out of 10 on the commandments, depending on your definition of "adultery." And it's not like the Catholic church is soft on this; breaking just one Commandment puts you into Hell these days. Unless you repent on your deathbed, which is exactly what Homer has stated he plans on doing.
"Well," you might argue, "At least it's getting people talking about Catholicism. Which is only the point, really. I mean, it made you google the Ten Commandments."
Yes, that is true. It's also 1:30 a.m. and I've already forgotten them again. Also I have porn open in another window while I download Swedish Death Metal so I have something to listen to in the car tomorrow while driving to get an abortion. No, not for a woman... I'm having an abortion my ownself. Because I'm an American. Just like Homer Simpson.
Meanwhile:
If JUST Bart and Homer are Catholics, where does that leave the rest of the, as George W. Bush would say, "Nuke-yu-lar" family?
BART - Also Catholic, at least according to the Vatican. Which makes sense, considering in the movie you could totally see his penis, and as we all know, the Catholic church totally loves ten-year-old boy penis.
YES. I JUST WENT THERE. It was an easy joke and you're laughing right now, so we're all going to Hell together. But not as far down as pedophile Catholic priests. Or any pedophile, really.
LISA - Buddhist. She tries to convert her family all the time. You know who never tries to convert anyone? Homer and Bart. Yes, this sounds exactly like the behavior of Catholics. And Buddhists.
MAGGIE - Well, we can't understand anything she's saying, and she definitely killed a guy. By Republican rhetoric, she must therefore be Muslim, but that's a lame joke and a bad one. Plus I'm pretty sure she eats bacon, so... Really, she freeloads off Marge and never gets a job. So she's a Liberal and will probably one day take part in an anti-meat protest outside of a college campus. C'mon, she's the third sibling: the best AND worst of her two older ones. She is dangerous, and you know this. And you can't find a court in this land who will convict a baby. Except maybe in Texas.
MARGE - Attends Church regularly, turns the other cheek, insists her family attend Church as well, calls Homer on his shenanigans and makes him set things right. Her hairstyle went out-of-date when JFK was still alive. While she didn't wait until marriage to have sex, she did marry the first (and only) man she ever had sex with. So... yes, whether she be Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Epsicopalian, Mormon or Jehovah's Witness, Marge is truly the best Catholic of the bunch, and a good Christian all around, who sets an amazing, patient, and wholesome example of what a Christian should be.
Except the Vatican newspaper didn't mention that.
Because it's the Vatican and they hate women.
LET'S ALL SAY THREE HAIL MARYS AND DO THE HOKEY-POKEY.
GEEK:
I haven't watched The Simpsons since 2004. Who the FUCK still watches "The Simpsons?"
You know who's actually a Catholic? Peter Griffin. Literally. The show says so.
Well, this happened:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/8069472/Homer-Simpson-is-a-true-Catholic.html
Let me explain. No no, there is too much, let me sum up: The Vatican newspaper published a story about how, looking at the evidence, Homer J. Simpson (and son Bart) are true Catholics.
Yeah. Out of nowhere, right? Is this the Catholic Church trying to look cool, like a few months back when they declared "The Blues Brothers" to be a good Christian movie? (yeah, that happened too: in case you missed it). Is the newspaper just getting more freedom now that the Pope is German? Much like the ingredients to Coke, we will never know, but one thing remains clear:
The Catholic Church is insane.
Now, I know a thing or two about the world. I watch The Daily Show and I once read half of a Time Magazine in the dentists' office, so already I'm more informed than the entire Fox News demographic. And I know Catholics don't like being called insane. It's rude. And while I may not hold their beliefs, I respect their right to congregate, and hold meetings, much like any other independent private organization, like AA, or Canada.
Then again, they follow a fictional character, and Homer Simpson is a fictional character, so I can see where they might get confused. But make no mistake: That article exists. Which we can only take to mean that the Catholic Church, or someone very high up within it, has watched all 20+ seasons of "The Simpsons."
That is time well spent. It's like finding out Barack Obama watches "Jersey Shore." No, I'm not linking anything here. It's too painful.
MY POINT: What the paper fails to mention, outside of Homer Simpson being a Catholic (apparently), is that if he IS a Catholic, he is of course going Hell. Yes, Hell. With a capital H. H for Homer.
"Oh," sayeth the article. "We get pop culture too! We are not your grandfathers' Catholic Church! We are hip, and with-it, and get the references! Being a Catholic is cool... like The Simpsons!"
Well first of all, Catholic Church, I'd like to commend you on updating your pop culture barometer from 1692, all the way up to 1992. That's quite a leap for you and I commend you. Now if you can just give the thumbs up to women going on the pill, we might be getting somewhere.
OFFICIAL 'HEP-CAT' PRESS RELEASE: "Homer Simpson is a Catholic!"
BEHIND THE MUSIC: If Homer Simpson were a Catholic, his Priest would slap the shit out of him, and while it isn't actually likely Bart was being touched inappropriately by a Catholic priest, if he WERE, we would transfer the priest to Shelbyville and say no more about it.
Or, to put it in a less offensive way, "If Homer Simpson were real, we would ex-communicate him, but since he's not, we're trying to drum up support via the use of his wacky antics."
The following is a list of all the cardinal sins to which Homer has succumbed. If you're guessing "seven" without even scrolling down.... well, Jesus Christ, you're right.
ENVY: He's constantly envying/stealing Flanders' shit. He even coveted Flanders' wife's ass, when she was alive (Maude Flanders R.I.P.)
SLOTH: Duh
LUST: Granted, it's usually for his wife ("And I know I was dreaming because usually I dream of naked.... Marge."), but he also goes to strip clubs all the time and whistles at women in bikinis. As opposed to, say, Smithers, who avoids such temptations because he is a good Christian man and entry into Heaven is assured.
GREED: Greed for BEER.
GLUTTONY: Further Duh.
... at this point I had to bust out Wikipedia, because even after the Brad Pitt movie I couldn't remember all seven, but if I ever get famous, don't worry... the Vatican will probably try and pin me as a Catholic, too.
WRATH: "Flanders was a zombie?"
PRIDE: You've seen Homer with his shirt off, and you know he knows he looks good. Also he's got a hot wife he has sex with a lot, which puts pretty much every guy into the "I'm bulletproof" mindset.
AND THEN THERE'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
1) "I am the Lord Thy God. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."
Homer Simpson: "Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
.... also, there was the episode where Homer sold his soul to the Devil, but then got out of it thanks to his lawyer proving his soul already belonged to Marge.
2) "No Graven Images, even though this is just a paraphrasing of the First Commandment."
I can paraphrase too, Bible. See?
(Homer is listening to football on his walkman in church)
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good!
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.
3) "Thou Shalt Not Take My Name in Vain, Even If It IS Only My First Name, Bro."
Homer says a lot of mean things about church, but can we all agree the only reason he doesn't swear more creatively is because of the Fox censors?
4) "Remember the Sabbath Day, Keep it Holy... Yadda Yadda Yadda."
They've done entire episodes about this.
Flanders: Sport on a Sunday? I don't kn--
Rev. Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned.
5) "Honor Thy Father & Mother"
Homer sure does love his mom. Homer sure does treat his dad like total shit. HILARIOUS shit.
6) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder."
Again, I turn you to my favorite Simpsons quote of all time, "Flanders Was a Zombie?" ... Maybe it's out-of-continuity cuz it was a Halloween episode, but I'm still pretty sure I've seen him touch the skin of an unclean animal, and I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible too. Right next to the part about slavery being okay and weed being an abomination.
And oh yeah.... FRANK. GRIMES.
7) "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."
Now here's a tricky one. While it is technically true that Homer has never physically cheated on Marge, he has developed some emotional connections of which Marge wholly disapproved. Ask a guy what cheating is, he'll say, "Boning another chick." (because yes, we really talk like that). Ask a woman what cheating is, she's more likely to say, "Forming a close, emotional bond with another woman. Oh, and also, boning another chick."
It's interesting, though, that in addition to only sleeping with Marge since they were married, the implication is that he's only had sex with Marge, EVER. Then again, the show states he knocked up Marge right after high school, and Bart is ten, which means Homer is between 28-30 years old. Bullshit on THAT.
8) "Thou Shalt Not Steal."
Which episode was it where Homer tries to get out of paying his bar tab? ALL OF THEM.
9) "Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor." (also, thou shalt not neighbor false witness against thy bear).
Chief Wiggum: "Oh, yeah! You can pretty much legally kill a man in your own home."
Homer: Flanders, get over here!
Ned: High-dilly-hi!
Chief Wiggum: It doesn't count of you invite him in.
Homer: Aw. Get lost, Flanders.
Ned: Toodly-doo!
... yes, that's not the same thing as saying, "Ned killed that guy," but it's still funny.
10) "Thou Shalt Not Covet."
We covered this in the Sin list, but,
"Your wife's BUTT, is higher than my wife's BUTT...."
This is not to say Homer wanted to get with Maude, but as everyone knows, religious girls are absolutely freaky in bed. Then again, Ned has an 18-inch penis, so it's unlikely Homer was going to be able to get the job done, unless Maude had a secret fetish for fat alcoholics.
So, 7 of 7 on the sins, and 8 or 9 out of 10 on the commandments, depending on your definition of "adultery." And it's not like the Catholic church is soft on this; breaking just one Commandment puts you into Hell these days. Unless you repent on your deathbed, which is exactly what Homer has stated he plans on doing.
"Well," you might argue, "At least it's getting people talking about Catholicism. Which is only the point, really. I mean, it made you google the Ten Commandments."
Yes, that is true. It's also 1:30 a.m. and I've already forgotten them again. Also I have porn open in another window while I download Swedish Death Metal so I have something to listen to in the car tomorrow while driving to get an abortion. No, not for a woman... I'm having an abortion my ownself. Because I'm an American. Just like Homer Simpson.
Meanwhile:
If JUST Bart and Homer are Catholics, where does that leave the rest of the, as George W. Bush would say, "Nuke-yu-lar" family?
BART - Also Catholic, at least according to the Vatican. Which makes sense, considering in the movie you could totally see his penis, and as we all know, the Catholic church totally loves ten-year-old boy penis.
YES. I JUST WENT THERE. It was an easy joke and you're laughing right now, so we're all going to Hell together. But not as far down as pedophile Catholic priests. Or any pedophile, really.
LISA - Buddhist. She tries to convert her family all the time. You know who never tries to convert anyone? Homer and Bart. Yes, this sounds exactly like the behavior of Catholics. And Buddhists.
MAGGIE - Well, we can't understand anything she's saying, and she definitely killed a guy. By Republican rhetoric, she must therefore be Muslim, but that's a lame joke and a bad one. Plus I'm pretty sure she eats bacon, so... Really, she freeloads off Marge and never gets a job. So she's a Liberal and will probably one day take part in an anti-meat protest outside of a college campus. C'mon, she's the third sibling: the best AND worst of her two older ones. She is dangerous, and you know this. And you can't find a court in this land who will convict a baby. Except maybe in Texas.
MARGE - Attends Church regularly, turns the other cheek, insists her family attend Church as well, calls Homer on his shenanigans and makes him set things right. Her hairstyle went out-of-date when JFK was still alive. While she didn't wait until marriage to have sex, she did marry the first (and only) man she ever had sex with. So... yes, whether she be Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Epsicopalian, Mormon or Jehovah's Witness, Marge is truly the best Catholic of the bunch, and a good Christian all around, who sets an amazing, patient, and wholesome example of what a Christian should be.
Except the Vatican newspaper didn't mention that.
Because it's the Vatican and they hate women.
LET'S ALL SAY THREE HAIL MARYS AND DO THE HOKEY-POKEY.
GEEK:
I haven't watched The Simpsons since 2004. Who the FUCK still watches "The Simpsons?"
You know who's actually a Catholic? Peter Griffin. Literally. The show says so.
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