The Phantom Menace Corollary

cor·ol·lar·y

 [kawr-uh-ler-ee, kor-; especially Brit., kuh-rol-uh-ree]

1.

Mathematics . a proposition that is incidentally proved in proving another proposition.

2.

an immediate consequence or easily drawn conclusion.

3.

a natural consequence or result.

.
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As a film student, George Lucas wrote and directed one of the seminal sci-fi movies of the 20th Century, THX 1138.  Some would argue that it was merely a rip-off of "1984," but this was a film not from a novel, but for a solely cinematic medium, and a visually striking dystopian tale regardless of any parallels that can be drawn to other works.  It's not exactly a popcorn movie, but it's pretty original by even today standards, to say nothing of the year it was released (1971).

In 1973, Lucas directed American Graffiti, about his experiences growing up in Modesto, California.  A slice of life from his youth, the film was a critical and commercial hit, helping star Ron Howard make the transition from child star to Serious Actor, and at the same time catapulting him into opportunities to direct.  There was not a single CG-shot in the entire film, because CG had not yet been invented.

In 1976 Lucas shot Star Wars, which was released the following year.  The script was whittled down from a much larger, epic saga, a story which included the events of what would later become all three movies, if not six, if not more.  It was edited, re-written, re-submitted, until ultimately a version existed (the final draft that would become the movie) that the studio was happy with, even though they didn't really want to make the movie anyway.  Sci-fi wasn't exactly big business back then, but what the hell, he'd just directed a huge hit (Graffiti), so make it work for the money, and you can make your silly little passion project, George.

Everyone pitched in.  Little humorous moments suggested by Lucas's wife at the time, ad libs by Harrison Ford, and I'm sure acting advice by the coolest motherfucker in the room, Sir Alec Guinness.  If the studio did not like the actors, did not like the script, did not like the footage, this movie would not get made, regardless of Lucas' two prior feature-length movies, one of which was a school project.  Much like The Sixth Sense, Alien, or The Godfather, here are n00b directors who must prove themselves to the studio.  If the movie isn't good, or at least successful, the director can kiss his/her career goodbye.

So.  Lucas took advice from all sides, and made the version of Star Wars we all know and love.  The movie was a huge hit.  He got more money to make the sequel, The Empire Strikes Back, and hired a renowned sci-fi author (Leigh Brackett) to help write the script, and hired his old college professor Irvin Kershner to direct.  The movie was an even bigger hit, and one could argue, better than the original.  Their feedback was essential to the final version of Empire. Other writers and another director were brought in to flesh out The Return of the Jedi, and that was that.  Three hit films, and Lucas did not direct again from 1977.

Until.....

Twenty years later.  Now, if you're working for Lucas in 1977, and he says, "What if we made Han's sidekick a cute little 3-foot-tall furry dude," or, "What if Han shot second?" ... well, he's just your buddy from college, or perhaps the director of this shitty B-movie sci-fi film that you're convinced is going to bomb... you're going to tell him exactly what you think, which is that those ideas don't work.  And, as mentioned above, that's what people did.  Pages and pages have been written about this movie: writers, actors, producers, family, friends, everyone was a team player and everyone contributed, for the best possible version of Lucas's vision.  Lucas wasn't shy about taking ideas and I hope we can all agree that the 1977 version is the best possible version of the movie.

Now, again: Pretend you're working for Lucas in 1997, the year Phantom Menace was shot.  Lucas says, "Hey, how about we have a big, goofy caricature named Jar Jar who gets into wacky hijinks!"

I tell you exactly what you do.  You're working for George Lucas, one of the most revered names in Hollywood (Howard the Duck notwithstanding). You have a good job working for LucasFilm, or perhaps ILM.  You make a comfortable living.  So, you do what any other employee would do: You get your assignment, and you animate Jar Jar.  You give your boss what he wants, and then you go home.

What you DON'T do, is say, "George, that's fucking idiotic.  What if we did (insert literally any other idea here) instead?"

Because you don't talk like that to a boss.  It's show BUSINESS, after all.

And The Phantom Menace became a piece of shit, shocking and horrifying Star Wars fans the world over.  While it grossed a huge amount of money on its release, (1) so did everything Michael Bay ever made, and (2) It's thirteen years later and we all know that The Phantom Menace is a piece of shit, justifiably mocked by most anyone over the age of five years old.

"The Phantom Menace Corollary" is an easily-drawn conclusion, stated simply that "following marching orders does not mean you're doing good work."  Simply doing your job and collecting your paycheck, while certainly we all do need to be employed and be able to support ourselves, is not always the best thing for a person, for their bosses, or for the culture they love, work, or play in.

I have friends who work in the video game industry, and The PMC holds true there better than most anywhere, except for obviously the movies.  The boss will not listen to anyone but the boss, so there is no collaboration.  Either through stubborn-ness, or just sheer market research, the boss will stick to that plan right up until the moment it fails.  To speak out against it is sheer foolishness-- you'd just be replaced by someone who does as told.  Not that it would even occur to any of us to quit a job like that-- assignment, execution, completion.  The end.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with the PMC, but I know it when I see it, and I think you do, too.  From Indiana Jones and the KOCS to Men in Black 3, to every Tomb Raider game in the last ten (fifteen?) years, this is just sort of what we're stuck with.  We can't quit, because we need the job, but we can't offer our input, because we don't want to get fired.  And our masters seem to be getting dumber.

Personally I'd like to take the power back, but continued efforts to tell stupid people they're stupid have proven unsuccessful.

I'm looking at you, George.

Two Experiences, One Thumb

As you snicker at the title, keep in mind that it's very difficult in this day and age to name a body part without some sort of sexual connotation. Kidney, maybe... or spleen. I reserve "two spleens up" for horror movies, and there haven't been any ones of those since 1973. NO, SAW DOES NOT COUNT. GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN.

Okay, maybe there HAVE been some since 1973. Just not very many. That's a whole other blog and one I'm not prepared to go into until something interesting actually comes out.... Speaking of which: Horror parody idea. Green-screen night vision view of a couple sleeping in the bed... as the door next to them opens by itself... to reveal.... a fat man in a red suit (rendered black by the green tint), delivering presents to all the good girls and boys. ... Title? ... "Paranormal Nativity." You can use that, I just want my name on it. Bonus points for Jesus cameo.

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK
Two movies this week, because it's been thin for a while... I won't even address the Oscar nominations, because any world where "The Help" is a Best Picture nominee is a world I want to set on fire.

"The Artist" (dir. Michael Hazanavicius)

He of the director of the "OSS 117" movies, which are like a way more hilarious Mad Men. Misogynistic but lovable. Like your granddad. See the original sometime.

Anyway.

The Artist is a silent movie about the end of silent movies. George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is the biggest silent movie star in the world, everyone loves his movies, and everyone (save for a co-star or two) loves him. He is married to an indifferent wife, has an adoring dog, and is the very epitome of happy... until he meets Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo) by chance, on the red carpet at one of his premieres. They make an impression on one another, and in fact meet again when she's an extra on his next film... and there's something there. Something neither of them quite understand, but he's married, and she's (as it turns out), destined for stardom... in talkies. Their paths go very different directions. It's a silent movie but the language of silent movies is explained readily within the first few minutes, using camera angles, visual tricks, and even sound (well, the score) to accentuate the important and leave the rest in the background. After five minutes, you won't even notice it's a silent movie... except when the film calls attention to it. Which it does, because it's brilliant like that. I laughed. I cried. I marvelled in awe at the sheer thinness of John Goodman. And the music is pretty happenin' too.

For all the mediocre movies nominated for Best Picture this year, "The Artist" has to be at the top. It's not condescending (like "The Help"), and it's not so artistic as to render it inaccessible to anybody wanting to just watch a good movie one evening ("Tree of Life"). Best movie I saw in 2011, even though I technically watched it in 2012. I'll grade on a curve.

NEXT:

Haywire. (dir Steven Soderbergh)

WHO THE FUCK IS GINA CARANO?

Did you watch the remake of "American Gladiators" on NBC a few years back? The one with Hulk Hogan as one of the hosts? If not, skip to the next paragraph. If so, Gina Carano was "Crush," one of the female gladiators, and attacked her opponents with what can only be described as... bemusement. I saw an episode where the ref called her on one of her rule violations, and though she wasn't a large woman-- in fact, quite petite and adorable-- she DID just get done mopping the floor with this chick, knocking her off the platform within the assigned 30 seconds or whatever. She responded to the judge in this high-pitched, girlie little voice.... 19 seconds after doing horrible ultra-violence. I had a Crush on Crush, but I want to make it clear that I do not anymore because I have a beautiful girlfriend who studied martial arts and is a former competitive power lifter. And quite frankly she'd probably call dibs.

So, when that show was cancelled, Carano went back to her, I shit you not, Mixed Martial Arts career. Wiki her. Pro-record, 7-1. Steven Soderbergh saw her and said, "This lady should be in movies."

Now: Let's make this abundantly clear. Based on the above, Carano is a mixed-martial arts competitor and has no acting experience. It shows. Her line delivery is flat (not completely, but about 80% of the time), and her facial expression seems to have a default setting of "amused smirk." But name one other action star who can act. Schwarzenegger? Statham? Okay, Bruce Willis I'll give you, but he was an actor before he was in action movies. The rest of their shtick, beat people down, the end. Steven Seagal was a world-famous action star for the duration of the 90's, and he couldn't act his way out of a perforated paper bag. Acting isn't important. Can your action star kick ass?

Gina Carano takes out Channing Tatum (who can't act either, so maybe he's in there to make her look good), Magneto (Michael Fassbender), and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). Utterly obliterates them. In action movies, inexperienced directors will just shake the camera a lot so you can't really see what's going on-- Soderbergh sits back, keeps everything in-frame, only cuts away if the actors move out of it. It's shot beautifully, the fight scenes do not have music. That really is her, in a real fight. Not every punch lands, not every move is clean. But when she pulls a reverse on Tatum, puts him in a submission hold, and breaks his arm... you believe it. That guy's going to the hospital. And that's the first five minutes of the movie.

As a geek, I don't think Soderbergh knocks it out of the park every time. He's very, very good at working with actors, but he's only as good as his scripts... you can't polish a turd, and Ocean's 13 was what it was (I didn't hate it, but it couldn't hold a candle to his Ocean's 11). One review I read said it wasn't experimental like some of his more out-there work... I disagree. Lem Dobbs wrote it, a longtime Soderbergh collaborator... and while he has some mainstream movie credits, he also wrote or co-wrote "Dark City," "Kafka," and "The Limey" ... the latter two of which were directed by Soderbergh and were firmly in the "artistic" portion of his resume. Alternatively, the opening and closing credits are in the same style as "Ocean's 11," so you make the call. The film jumps around in time, plays with flashbacks, has a bare minimum of explanation for certain plot points. In "Ocean's 11" or "Out of Sight," you know what's going on at all times. In "Haywire," you only know Carano's Mallory and Ewan McGregor's Kenneth used to be a couple because one of them lets it slip several minutes into their first scene together. Or because you read it first in some asshole's blog. Paying attention is rewarded. Not paying attention just means you'll jump in your seat when suddenly a boring talking scene explodes into smashed furniture with no warning whatsoever. Then someone probably get handcuffed or shot.

Four out of Four stars on "The Artist."

Three out of Four on "Haywire," if only because Carano could've sold it a little better. But Schwarzenegger, Statham, Seagal and even Chuck Norris didn't exactly hit it out of the park on their first movie, either. So.... suck it.

NOT FUCKING GEEK

"The Artist."

Hadn't seen a silent movie in forever. This is a good one. Girlfriend t'weren't sure going in, but loved it as the credits rolled. Plus the leads were cute as shit.

"Haywire."

What other fucking action movie are you going to see this month? Red Tails? One for the Money? Fuck George Lucas and fuck Katherine Heigl. It has Ewan McGregor being evil Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, doing some fassbending, and Michael Douglas being smug. In six months you can buy this movie on DVD and throw it on at any party, in between Statham movies, and say, "Haywire? Oh yeah, it's fun. Pretty obscure though. Most people haven't heard of it."

..... hmm. Geek/Not Geek? Crap. Is "Geek/Fucking Hipster" taken? I apologize to my legions of fan.

"The Artist" could go next to "Slumdog Millionaire" or "The Hurt Locker," for tiny little obscure movies that won Best Picture, just by being that outstanding.

"Haywire" goes next to "Way of the Gun," for really entertaining action movies with famous names attached, but got shit for publicity anyway.

Latest possible next installment: The Cabin in the Woods. No, nothing on TV has excited me lately. Watch "Community" wherever you can stream or order it.

May God bless Allah, may Allah bless God, and may both bless the United States of America.

Play ball.

Live Tweeting Twilight 4: The Twilightening

My first instinct when I knew I'd be taking my girlfriend to "Breaking Dawn" was just to live tweet the entire thing out of sheer ornery-ness. Then I remembered two things: (1) It's rude to tweet in a theater, and I am not a douchebag, AND (2) Only like three real people actually follow me on Twitter.

ELAPSED NUMBER OF SECONDS INTO MOVIE BEFORE JACOB TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF: Ten. It's literally in the opening shot of the movie.

At this point, I'd like to remind my loyal reader that I have never read any book by Stephenie Meyer (I literally did not notice it was Stephenie, not Stephanie, until I watched this movie), nor have I watched any of the movies. I knew there was some fighting and some shirtless dudes and the bad guy from "Tron Legacy" was also occasionally the bad guy here, but other than that, this was my first foray into the world of Team Edward vs Team Jacob vs Team Abercrombie vs Team Fitch.

Some observations:

1. To be fair, Jacob does not appear shirtless again for the entire movie. Sort of once for a half second, as a special effects, but only because:

2. Jacob, and his family of homeless racially-neutral-possibly-mostly Native Americans, must have a HUGE clothing budget. He's constantly shredding his clothing so he can turn into a werewolf, then has another comfortable, stylish shirt on the next time we see him. At one point, he even kicks over his motorcycle. How is he paying to repair this? Does he have a job? Does the wolfpack work down at the Jamba Juice? These are things I need to know.

3. The first time we see Jacob, after the opening shirt-rending scene, he emerges from a forest. As he is fully clothed, we must assume he walked on two legs. Where the hell did he park? How did he avoid getting his clothes jacked up by the forest, especially in "Washington," in what I presume is the springtime? And if he did park somewhere, why does he act all weirded out when he thinks he hears a noise from the forest behind him? He JUST walked out of there. Was he worried somebody was fucking with his bike? Then why does he kick over the bike later in the movie? Had they fucked up the paintjob, and now it's ruined? This DOES seem consistent with his character, I must admit.

4. Kristen Stewart is not a shitty actress. Everyone be nice to poor, misunderstood K-Stew. She was good in "The Runaways," and she was good ten years ago in "Panic Room." She has the skills. It's just awkward to do things with scenes like,

Bella (who is pregnant): I'm so happy I'm pregnant.

Jacob (who half an hour ago said he couldn't see her again): It's not human. You don't know what it is.

Bella: (who excelled in school and plays chess with her new husband as a way to pass the time) I'll be fine. I'm tough. I will survive a half-vampire baby that is already making me visibly ill, and will quite possibly tear out of my stomach like that movie "Alien," which I didn't see because if I'm 18 in 2011 that means I was born in 1993 and all the good Alien movies came out before then.

Jacob: I can't watch you do this. I'm leaving. I can't see you again. (20 minutes later, he totally does)

Other actors of note: every female vampire. Both Bella's parents. Pattinson is given absolutely nothing to do, but he does look suitably tortured all the time. Why is he tortured? I have no idea. Probably because of all those people he killed.

Wait what? Literally, second scene in the movie:

Bella: OMG, I can't believe I'm 18 and about to marry my 150-year-old boyfriend, which is SEVEN TIMES OLDER THAN ME. Totes for realz.

Edward: No, wait, you don't know everything about me. Even though the wedding is tomorrow, I'm dropping this on you now. Remember the whole basis for us falling in love? Me being peaceful and vegetarian and shit? I'm a fucking liar. I killed people. Often. Totally dudes that were gonna kill people, but I can't prove that, because this all happened fifty years before you were born.

Bella: I'm sure they were all bad. Enjoy your bachelor party! Bye-ee!(falls asleep)

5. Ladies. Have you seen the movie? You've been fantasizing about your wedding all your life, I bet. Those of you who are married, I bet you secretly wish you could have another one, just to feel like a Princess. Now, given all that going on in your head.... do you know which hand you wear your wedding ring on? Yeah? .... BELLA DOESN'T. Watch that shit. It jumps hands like five times.

6. Jumping back to early in the movie, at the wedding...

JACOB: Well, he's gonna murder you and turn you into a vampire. Oh well, that sucks. But as long as you're happy.

BELLA: OMG, totally not yet. We're gonna fuck on our honeymoon, shit's gonna be HOT. Totes.

JACOB: He's a vampire. Ten minutes ago you saw one carrying an entire tree over his shoulder. To say nothing of three previous movies. If he fucks you, his orgasm might quite possibly blow your head off.

BELLA: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, JACOB. I'M EIGHTEEN, I DO WHAT I WANT.

EDWARD: (who had just left to dance with someone, but has now reappeared suddenly) I say, kindly back away, what what.

JACOB'S POSSE: (one of whom I'm sure jacked up Jacob's bike) QUITE RIGHT, WHAT WHAT. LEAVE BELLA ALONE. SHE'S SO PRETTY AND YOU ARE CAUSING FROWN LINES.

JACOB: Bella, fine. Whatever. I can't see you anymore. (runs off into the forest)

EVERYONE: JACOB, LEAVE YOUR SHIRT ON!

JACOB: NO!

7. Vampires. There's Edward, then there's blonde-wig guy, who's on Nurse Jackie. Then there's big-forehead girl, who was on Grey's Anatomy a few seasons back. Then there's short pixie-cut girl, who actually seems to have a fun character to play. Then there's big beefy stupid-looking guy, who probably fucked the director to get the part, except he's so dumb he doesn't know where his penis goes. Then there's random vampire chick who hates werewolves and that's all she ever talks about, then Edward hands her the baby at the end anyway, because there wasn't a basinette handy, I guess. Then... THEN... there's the other guy. Other blonde dude, I think he's attached to pixie-cut girl in some way. THAT GUY. He got paid for an entire movie and says three words. HOW IS THIS FAIR.

SCREENWRITER: Here's your scene for the day. I know you dressed up in costume for the wedding scene, but you totally get to talk this time.

THAT GUY (Who I'm assured is Jackson Rathbone): Possibly.

SCREENWRITER: JUST LIKE THAT. Say your line JUST LIKE THAT.

.... srsly. That's his only line in the first 110 minutes of a 117 minute movie. In the final minutes, I think he says something like, "Not anymore." Not even a complete sentence. But two words definitely. I'll bet he pulls all kinds of tail with that kind of street cred.

8. The closest thing to an action sequence is when the vampires and Jacob hole themselves up in their fortified compound (in fucking FORKS), and they're all slowly starving to death because there's no blood... except Jacob is not starving to death because apparently vampires keep cheeseburgers and protein shakes. Anyway, Jacob stages a brilliant diversion to distract the surrounding werewolves, so 2-3 vampires can escape and get more blood. ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM THE MOVIE:

Jacob: Did They make it out?

Edward: Yes.

... HOW DOES EDWARD KNOW THIS? Was he watching with binoculars? Well, no, he was too busy staring at Bella. Do the vampires have cell phones? Well yes, because Bella makes a call on Edwards earlier in the movie. ... IF YOU HAVE A CELLPHONE, WHY NOT JUST CALL FOR HELP INSTEAD OF SENDING THREE GUYS OUT THROUGH A PACK OF WEREWOLVES? Are these the only six vampires in the entire world? That's not very convenient. Their fetishes must be very boring, headstrong teenage girls who excel in school and have absolutely no interest in bettering themselves in any way, only landing a husband.

9. Bella has a baby. It's horrific. You can't see anything, but they have to rip her dress for an emergency operation. Once that's over, the dress has mysteriously healed itself. VAMPIRE DRESS.

10. Bill Condon directed this movie, who is also the director of "Gods and Monsters," a movie about the gay director of the first two black-and-white Frankenstein movies... and also "Dreamgirls." Seriously. This guy has Oscars. So. How did he do with the material, a book that most people said was unfilmable?

With the exception of the plot only moving forward because Bella or Jacob must occasionally do things that no human being could possibly choose ("It will kill you!" ... "That's my choice!" / "If you don't let me kill her, I'll kill you!" ... "I'mma go hide in the woods like a BITCH!")

... yeah. With those exceptions, the photography, pacing, acting (except for Jacob, who CAN'T), sets, costumes, are all great. The characters are mostly legally retarded, but that's not the fault of the director, only Stephenie Meyer. And the people who buy her books.

WHAT IS THE PLOT OF BREAKING DAWN?

A plot is typically something involving (a) a complicating incident, (b) rising action, (c) climax, (d) denoument.

For this movie, (a) the complicating incident is.... um. Hmm. Well, the movie starts with Jacob seeing the wedding announcement, and immediately taking his shirt off... 20 minutes later the wedding is over. So that's not it. Is it the pregnancy? No, that's halfway through the movie. Is it Jacob taking his shirt off? Yes, I suspect so.

(b) rising action. Nothing happens for the first half hour, except the wedding, which is all just wacky hijinks and a broken bedroom set. Bella has two bruises. I bruised my girlfriend more than that while playing Halo. Fucking amateurs.

Then Bella is pregnant, and everyone's all freaking out. Vampires don't want this, werewolves just don't want Bella to die, because she's so pretty, or something. Jacob has much angst over taking his shirt off.

(c) Climax? Uh... the baby is born. Jacob decides not to kill it, because apparently he is extremely sexually attracted to 5-minute-old infants. Also Bella dies. Except not really.

(d) Denoument... the werewolves decide not to kick Jacob's ass, because you do not fuck with a man who is sexually attracted to 5-minute-old infants. And that's it. Bella wakes up as a vampire, and the movie ends. What was resolved? Uh... Bella lost her virginity. And Jacob decides to keep his shirt on.

ELEVEN:

BOOK PUBLISHER: Hey, so, what do you want to name Bella's baby?

STEPHENIE MEYER: I'm going to name that precious little girl..... RENESMEE. As a combination of Renee and Esmee.

BOOK PUBLISHER: That is the stupidest goddamn thing I ever heard. Even your fans will think so. Don't call her that.

STEPHENIE MEYER: I'M STEPHENIE MEYER, MOTHERFUCKER. I SOLD FORTY MILLION COPIES. SUCK MY MOTHAFUCKIN' DICK.

.... and that's my review of the movie. Hugz?

xoxo

PA13

p.s. (twelve: i love my girlfriend and wanted to do something nice for her. brought her flowers, took her and her ten-year-old son to see this movie. he was bored to death, slightly scared during birth scene. girlfriend kissed me a lot and later at home totally asked me to take my shirt off. everyone wins. except Jacob, who is still a virgin. Hugz?)

Harry Potter: The Last Relic of the 20th Century

Initially I was content to keep up with movies and/or TV shows, or really any media, but eight years of a Republican Administration totally ruined the economy, and since it takes 2 years for a movie to get made, things are still pretty iffy on the Hollywood side. Even things I was excited about beforehand... now, it's like, "Eugh. I was excited about Tron Legacy? I hope my unborn children never read these."

So things sort of stalled out after Thor, which I suspect will retain a certain limited rewatchability in the coming years (albeit not the first 20 minutes of it)... Kenneth Branagh is not coming back for the sequel, so perhaps we'll have some modest improvement there come 2013. In the meantime, what's a geek left with?

The Avengers is next summer, as is The Dark Knight Rises. Cowboys and Aliens comes out later this month, and the Joss Whedon co-scripted Cabin in the Woods finally landed a release date this October, two years after it finished filming.

But first, a paragraph about Joss Whedon:

A lot of people will rant against his particular oeuvre of work, and as much as that annoys me, I'm starting to realize they're well within their rights. Shows like "CSI" (or indeed, anything with Jerry Bruckheimer's name on it) are designed to appeal to the largest number of people possible, but I daresay those people will never love that thing as much as they love their favorite book, or favorite, say, car. Joss Whedon is happy to say he appeals to a niche audience, and I'm ready to let him. Because he has said, and I've quoted (paraphrased) this here before, "I'd rather make something 3 million people love, than something 30 million people like." Granted, he probably won't apply that to The Avengers, but he's still pretty nerdy.

You know who else is nerdy? Harry Potter fans.

If Star Wars fans are dorks for dressing up like Chewbacca and Slave Leia (hopefully not at the same time), then Harry Potter fans are dorks for dressing up like Hermione and Severus Snape (actually, there's a mash-up that totally works). And their last movie is coming out in a week.

NOT GEEK

I've seen the first Harry Potter movie, then 3-7. As this is the non-geek section, I don't know that I could even include the books here if I HAD read them (I haven't), but a shitload of fantasy-literature has been rushed to the bookshelves because of this series, and I've read a small sampling of it. The movies I've seen were all entertaining, if some felt a bit rushed. Also then you have people behind you as you walk out of the theater, saying, "YOU KNOW, THE REASON HARRY'S FRIEND BEAUREGARD KENSINGTON WAS WEARING A POSEY IN THAT SCENE WAS BECAUSE HIS PARENTS WERE BOTH MURDERED BY DEATH-EATERS ON A TUESDAY, AND AS A RESULT HE CAN NO LONGER DIGEST LACTOSE. IT'S IN THE BOOKS. THE BOOKS ARE SO MUCH BETTER. YOU SHOULD READ THE BOOKS."

If you like the books so much, read the books again. If any book you have ever loved has ever been turned into a movie, it got screwed up. You know it, I know it, the American people know it.

A "niche" market means something is made for a small group of people who love a thing. In movies this is called a "cult" following. A small amount of people love this thing and will fight for it, but Hollywood can't make any money off it. You know what we call that in the publishing industry?

A "book."

There are so many books, that EVERY book is a niche market. Even something like "The Da Vinci Code" still sold less copies than the last Ke$ha album*, and that thing was on the best-seller list for a year. Because if it's in hard-cover, you plunk down $30 one time, and it's your book. You own it. You can lend it to a friend, and re-read it for free as many times as you like.

And somewhere someone in Hollywood is saying, "What a stupid business model."

Movies, on the other hand, are made to appeal to the highest number of people possible, and therefore make the most amount of money possible. This is why a small art film might make $5 million it's entire theatrical run, and your favorite mainstream movie might cap out between $50 to $150 million... and then Transformers 3 made $200 million its first week. Because any brain power is removed, and it's just explosions for no reason. ANYONE can enjoy that.

"But Warren," you might say, "Transformers 3 IS my favorite mainstream movie."

To which I respond, "Get the hell off my blog."

So, anyway, to tie this up: Every movie made from a book is dumbed down not because the director is stupid (though in the case of Harry Potter One and Two, he was), but by design.

You know where shit is less stupid? Other than in books, I mean:

GEEK

In 2001, when the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's and/or Philosopher's Stone came out, that was the only thing that happened to a successful book: You make a movie of it. You hire a director who has directed something else that made money (in this case, Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire), you hire a screenwriter who has written any movie, ever, put out a press release to make people excited about casting, and there you go. Guaranteed income, just because your movie has "Harry Potter" in the title. Who CARES if it's good? IT'S HARRY POTTER. IN MOVIE FORM. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

(this same unexplainable phenomenon is why Smallville was on TV for ten years).

Now, I'm not hating on Harry Potter. Like my Non-Geek counterpart, I enjoyed movies 3-7 very much, enough to keep going back to the theater for each sequel. They're not all created equal, but they're all still a good time at the movies. The first film made enough money, and the books sold enough copies, that 7 movies (or now 8) were all but guaranteed. Because, again, in 2001, a popular book got made into a movie. The end.

But now it's 2011, and something has changed over the last decade. Sure, we all had 500 channels in 2001 as well, but so have we seen the advent of actual long-form literature get turned into something other than a TV movie (yes, that happened once too, but even that capped out at 4 hours or so, unless you were "Roots"). The book "Darkly Dreaming Dexter" was turned into a 13-episode first season of "Dexter." The book "Dead Until Dark" was turned into the first season of "True Blood." And so on. Game of Thrones. Even "Flash Forward." Serialized television has become the next big thing, because even though shows like "CSI" and "Law & Order" remain popular, there is a growing interest in televison shows where you can actually see character development, rather than just wait 60 minutes until someone says, "The character named (blah) killed the victim by (insert ridiculously complicated, scientifically impossible explanation here)." Snoozeville. Pass the remote.

Another book series that (sort of**) got turned into a TV show was the "Dresden Files" series by Jim Butcher, a story about a licensed private investigator in modern-day Chicago, who also happens to be a wizard. In fact, he's the only person listed in the phone book under "wizard," and thus his client base can be pretty eclectic. The first book in the series was the authors first novel (the same can be said for J.K. Rowling), but while Harry Potter was designed to stop at book 7, "The Dresden Files" releases its 13th full novel this summer, amongst short stories and novellas published in other compendiums. The style is similar to Harry Potter in only one way:

These stories cannot be contained in a two hour film (and also magic... okay, two ways. But that's it).

In a movie, you have 3 acts... 5 acts if you can keep your audience interested. Person A received a goal, they spend the middle of the movie chasing said goal, there is a showdown at the end of the movie. Sometimes it's circuitous, like in Bridesmaids, where there was no set goal, only a list of shenanigans until the stated goal was eventually reached (the wedding). But while some books are designed to take place in two hours (say, for example, any heist novel), some books are episodic and work better as such.

The Sookie Stackhouse novels are one example (now "True Blood").

"Harry Potter" is another.

So is the Lord of the Rings, but Peter Jackson has a stranglehold on that, so let's bring this back to Harry Potter:

I'm watching Deathly Hallows Part I, and they get to the bit where Harry, Hermione and Ron have to infiltrate the such-and-such bureau of magic (yes, I KNOW it's called the whatever, HUSH). You know, the joint with the horizontal elevator. In the movie this entire sequence takes maybe 10 minutes, 15 tops, and I was told it's much longer in the book.

Unfortunately, the first movie came out in 2001. Had the book been optioned in 2011, Harry Potter would be a 13-episode series on Showtime or HBO.

And the sequence in the bureau of magic would have been an ENTIRE EPISODE. Take the actors playing the kids, give them the week off, and their human-disguises walk in before the opening credits on their undercover gig. At any second they could be found out, they have time to nearly be caught in so many more situations, and rather than a quick "OMG!" in the middle of the movie, you have the climax of 58 minutes of cable TV ending with Harry standing up and saying, "YOU SHOULD NOT TELL LIES!" ... then they run. They dash for the exit, with Voldemort's cronies fast on their heels. They reach the exit just as the bad guy dives for them..... BOOM. Closing credits. See you next week for another exciting episode.

That's the way it should be, because while 8 Harry Potter movies take up maybe 16-17 hours of entertainment, a 7-season TV series means (1) each book is now one 13-hour movie, and 13x7 = 91, and (2) All that shit you're so pissed off that they left out, but forgave them cuz you understood it had to be movie-length? All that's back in. Then a three-month summer vacation. Then back next fall for Book Two.

Because Making a movie from a book is SO last century.

A fleshed out story with characters you love can now exist on television, and not just in the form of Lucy getting into another wacky adventure every week. They change over time, and "Mad Men" winning a best-drama Emmy for 3 seasons running is a good indicator of that... as were the 3-in-a-row best comedy wins for "30 Rock." Sure, it's wacky and often low-brow (not that there's anything wrong with that), but the characters changed over time, in both shows. You're rewarded for watching each week. Back in the 80's, the only time a character changed on Who's the Boss or Miami Vice was when somebody had a baby, or got shot, or was having a contract dispute behind the scenes. Nobody is going to buy 8 seasons of "Who's the Boss" on DVD. At least I hope not. What a disturbing thought.

Anyway, my entire point here is: This is why I didn't blog out X-Men: First Class. Though technically the source material was not one book, it was many, that entire movie felt like it was one 13-hour first season of a TV show, hacked up and crammed down into a 2-hour movie. And that actually made me mad. Because what was left over was STILL that good.

I'm gonna find me something non-movie related to bitch about.

But have fun at Harry Potter 7.5, and if we're real lucky and eat all our vegetables and say our prayers, maybe we'll get a 7-season TV show remake in 2025, after Rowling's next book bombs, and TV-special effects catch up to what "Avatar" had to offer.

Because, I mean, seriously. Do you REMEMBER the special effects in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone? What a bunch of crap.

xoxo
WGH

p.s.
*Yes, I'm sure if you googled the numbers, Ke$ha didn't outsell the Da Vinci Code, because no one is buying books or CDs anymore. No one buys Ke$ha CD's in France, for example, while TDVC sold 40 million copies worldwide. But even with such a big seller, people who loved that book FREAKING loved it. I worked at a bookstore the entire 2 years it was on the best-seller list. Nobody ever came in and said, "Stop what you're doing, I HAVE to find Season 3 of 'House' on DVD."

**"The Dresden Files" TV show in no way resembles the books. The lead character has the same name, both are wizards, both are set in Chicago, both had their parents die in mysterious circumstances, and both have a female cop friend with the last name 'Murphy.' That's it. Everything else has been changed, and for the worse, which I guess is a given when you're a TV show executive-produced by Nicolas Cage.

Total Thor-Fest

NOT GEEK

It was a fun movie with the right amount of explosions and funny one liners.

That's it. That's all I have to say about it. Sometimes one side has more to consider than the other.

I give it a B, B-, depending on how much CGI BUGS the SHIT out of you.

GEEK

The director is Kenneth Branagh. Marvel made a big deal out of this and they were right to do so, because he's a Name. Not a Name in the sense of "He's a good film director" (he isn't), but simply a Name in the sense that.... you've heard of him, he's famous enough to generate buzz. Comic Nerds might not even cry foul because Branagh the Director has domain over a separate Nerd Kingdom: Shakespeare. So internet buzz was genuinely positive, or at least optimistic.

The problem with this, and I called it at the time too (did it still count if I didn't have a blog?), is that Kenneth Branagh hasn't had a commercial hit, OR a good movie, since before Clinton was President. He is not good at this. What little success he DID have came when he was in a relationship with the ethereal, expansively talented, Oscar-winning Emma Thompson. A woman who left him when he nailed Helena Bonham-Carter (hindsight, much?). ET went on to win an Oscar, KB went on to direct no-budget Shakespeare adaptations for Showtime. I've seen them. They are visually and conceptually below average. "As You Like It" literally lays there like a bloated corpse, daring you to poke it with a stick.

After the overblown, much-hyped, mediocre-received "Hamlet" in 1996, he didn't direct anything for four years, no doubt to lick his wounds and figure out what other pretentious, self-serving project he wanted to work on next. In 2000 and 2006 he did two other Shakespeare adaptations (Love's Labour's Lost, and As You Like It, respectively), the first of which had a higher budget than the second, neither were memorable nor interesting to look at. The acting was adequate, but that's what happens when you get good actors. Under no circumstances should you rent these from Netflix. Even if you're a fan of interesting Shakespeare productions (which I am), neither of these are good. This is a failed director trying to get a toehold back into the industry.

And so someone listened, and gave him "Sleuth" (2007), a movie which is only kind of not very good on its own, and then a complete failure when held up next to the original with Michael Caine and Laurence Olivier. AND YET THEY GAVE HIM THE THOR JOB ANYWAY.

All of these movies were bad, Branagh's last that was a big hit was "Dead Again" in 1990, which was 21 years before Thor. You know, when Chris Hemsorth was seven.

Anyway, in failing to be concise yet again, the upshot is this: Kenneth Branagh is a shit director. He might be able to direct theatre, yes, he seems to have a knack with actors. But that is only one small part of film directing, a job which also includes shot selection, lenses, depth of field and length of shot, all of which Branagh has proven time and time again that he is no damn good at, and he has shown no progress in getting any damn better. He simply doesn't care.

THOR: The first act of this movie is wasted. It opens on some humans in the desert, who then run into Thor. Then there's a brief flashback that shows how Thor got there, and this brief flashback goes on for 45 FUCKING MINUTES. It is the entire first act of the movie, and CGI is layered onto it like the producers never saw a single movie after "The Phantom Menace," they commit every sin except for a main character MADE of CGI (wisely, they make the head of CGI-bad guys an actual actor in makeup. This works spectacularly well and creates the only bit of menace in the entire overblown battle sequence). Watching cartoons bounce off each other for 45 minutes is uninteresting if you've ever played a video game in your life. It is every bit as awful as the first act of Spider-Man 3. Thor, Act 1: F.

Finally we get back to Earth. Character development actually begins here, and despite the films terrible track record up to this point, Branagh actually stands back and lets his actors emote, in a movie where they are not required to. Portman seems genuinely concerned, yet distracted by her work. Hemsworth seems bold and douchey, yet distracted by his lust for glory. And Tom Hiddleston as Loki bothers to give his character layers, when other action movies would just have him walk in and recite plot points. The jokes fly quickly, there's no one character just to be comic relief. The humor is situational, and it works. When it's time to get serious, everyone gets serious. The production design is quite lovely. The costume design is so lazy it looks like the non-Vikings just put on whatever was in their closet and went to work. Act 2: A.

The last third of the movie has a lot of shit blow up, which is fine, but then Thor goes back to Asgard and shit blows up there too, and it's all CGI bullshit and despite the city/planet looking absolutely fantastic, you're basically left with CG characters beating each other up on a CG rainbow bridge. I don't fucking care. The interesting stuff happens between the actors, and that's what any geek will be talking about the next day. Not Geek? You may not mind the CG so much. I am a geek, and I was there for Spider-Man 3. Sam Raimi made many an enemy that day. Act 3: B-.

Hollywood movies know that as long as they finish strong, the audience will be happy and recommend the movie and maybe even see it again. The first act can be as weak as anything, as long as there's gigantic set-pieces in the end. Branagh doesn't have a lot of Hollywood muscle so probably had to do what he was told; Jon Favreau had insisted on models and such for the Iron Man movies, the Marvel execs probably just wanted a big CG movie to feel like they were doing their jobs. Well, they got their way, and it made the movie worse. Congratulations, you're a producer.

On the side:
Five credited screenwriters:

WRITTEN BY: Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz and Don Payne
STORY BY: J. Michael Straczynski and Mark Prostovich

Broken down:
Miller and Stentz worked on "Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles." When that got cancelled, they went to work on "Fringe." Their geek cred is unimpeachable.

Don Payne used to work on "The Simpsons." When he eventually left that, he wrote "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." It is my theory they brought him in to add jokes.

There's nothing about the screenplay I find off or flawed, my only problem is that Branagh rushes through the entire first act as if he has to go to the bathroom, tilting the camera for no reason and point it at talking shots when he should be shooting reaction shots, and vice versa. Shooting a high-budget movie is NOT the same as shooting a low-budget play. The flaws in the movie lie solely with him; the writers are great. Online buzz say this "Thor" is closer to JMS's Thor in the comics, and I guess that seems to work out okay. Ultimately it's probably out of his hands, though: Prostovich wrote the script back in 2002 for a production that never got off the ground; its doubtful much of his script remains, but they probably had to credit him for legal reasons. JMS, presumably, didn't have much more input.

So from a Geek perspective, that's where we're at. But the thing is, I have a feeling... by the time Captain America rolls around, we'll have forgotten. All that we'll really remember is the "Not Geek" perspective, and that's all anyone can ask. If we're getting the Huge Stack o' Marvel Movies, like we were promised, they can't all be perfect. They just have to be good enough to (a) interest the casuals, and (b) not piss off the hardcore fans. And since there are no hardcore fans of Thor, this was the safest one to trust with a green director.

Onward to Cap, and then The Avengers.

Victory to Marvel, death to Michael Bay.

Art vs. Commerce vs. Explosions

I wanted to do another 'Game of Thrones' thing, but two in a row seems overly... gushy, plus there's other stuff in the world going on. Also it's Friday and even though it's not noon yet, I want some damn chicken and waffles.

NOT GEEK

Reception was decidedly mixed for "Kick Ass" last year, and a review in a local newsweekly cited this and "Hanna" with a very good point: Young girls ARE the new action heroes because adult male action stars are practically expected to walk into the first scene, kill fifty guys with a paper clip, then drive a car off the top of a building while it explodes in the background. If the protagonist is a teenage or pre-teen girl, all of those actions can still manage to be surprising, emotionally effective, or (still) shocking, while for an adult male it's just... rote.

Despite knowing better than to see "Tron Legacy" JUST because of the soundtrack, I did notice the words 'Chemical Brothers' featured prominently on every poster for "Hanna" and had to wonder if the studio thought the group was SO mainstream that it would really sell that many more tickets (probably they did, but no it didn't work). The trailer was confusing as shit. I watched the trailer again after I watched the movie and STILL didn't understand where the trailer was coming from... it made Hanna look like the bad guy. The people cutting the trailer did not know what the fuck they were doing, and the studio exec who said Yes to it also did not know how to do his or her job. These things will kill your movie faster than a racist lead actor.

The action? Ranged from the mediocre to the exceptional. The acting? All top form. The soundtrack? I dug the shit out of it but I know that that genre isn't for everyone. Still, it was bouncy as fuck, and used subtly... there was literally no score for the first 20 minutes of the movie or so, and then it's slowly brought in via feedback and sonic noise.... but then it begins, just as the plot does. BLAM. Well, there's no going back now......

Not to overuse the word, but it's an exceptional and fun time at the movies. It's a highbrow action movie, which shouldn't scare you away: It respects the intelligence of the audience, instead of editing out character in favor of blowing shit up. Also Olivia Wilde tweeted that she loved the movie, which pretty much closed the deal for me.

Because I am a whore.

GEEK

WHAT YOU DIDN'T SEE ON THE POSTER BUT I WOULD'VE LOVED TO SEE:

"From the director of 'Pride & Prejudice' and 'Atonement'."

I mean, really, can you get a better recommendation for an action movie than that? My geek side and non-geek side agree: the trailer was fucking terrible, and that's how theatrical runs are murdered, though the good ones will resurface on DVD. But imagine if the trailer hadn't been cut by someone who was a drooling idiot, and had featured "From the Director of...."

I am a firm believer in the fact the Director makes or breaks the movie. Not the producer-- they are the money, and impose certain economic limitations, but do not make creative decisions (at least never any good ones) ... and not the actors, they are simply talking meat sticks. And yet most Americans can name 328548594058640 actors and about three directors: Spielberg, Scorsese, George Lucas. Maybe Christopher Nolan and James Cameron too if you're really into it, and while I admit most of us are busy and don't have time to be glasses-pushing virginal fatties like me (5'10", 130 lbs, for the record), there ARE names worth remembering, instead of dumbing it down to "From the director of..." in a trailer, or even more retarded, "From the producer of...." or "From the studio that brought you...."

Or my new personal favorite, "This movie uses the cameras that were used in...."

I am the biggest film geek walking the planet, and even *I* don't give a fuck what cameras you used to shoot the movie. Also studios are way too full of themselves, "From the studio that brought you...." is like buying a Ford Escort under the promise of, "From the car company that brought you the Mustang....."

But arrogant rich assholes is an entire different media feed. Back to what's at hand:

"Hanna" won the title for Best Unproduced Screenplay back in 2006, not a list I regularly follow but it's important that these things get made into good movies. Another screenplay garnering such kudos was "Hancock," which was then turned from the original good script into Generic Shitty Will Smith Vehicle #937. And in case I haven't mentioned it here before, Will Smith is an egotistical douchebag. Fuck Will Smith. He hasn't made a good movie since 1997 and people still line up to suck his dick. We as a people need to get over our debilitating Will Smith addiction.

Once again, back to what's at hand:

The dialogue is efficient while not exactly quotable, tells a constantly interesting and slowly revealing story. It doesn't talk down to the audience, you're rewarded for paying attention, the emphasis is on the characters and who they are, not just the next set piece. I've always felt that every generic 90-minute action movie is just a 2-hour drama that got whittled down for simplicity. Imagine if "Heat" had all the talking scenes taken out... you'd be left with something like "Jumper." Lots of exciting things happening and guns going off, but nothing to latch on to emotionally. No, I did not just compare DeNiro to Hayden Christensen.

Joe Wright is the director, he of, again, Atonement and the oh-my-god-I'm-male-why-is-this-movie-awesome Pride and Prejudice. Saw them, loved them, yet still didn't feel obligated to see "The Soloist," and it's not relevant to "Hanna" at all, anyway. When it's time for action, you know it, and it's clearly motivated. When there's no shiny object to distract you for an entire half hour, the characters and plot remain interesting and riveting enough to keep you watching.

The cinematography is gorgeous, and Joe Wright knows how to compose a shot, while occasionally faltering on an action stereotype or two, at other times he'll completely confound expectations and throw you for a loop. The chase scene amongst the shipping containers dropped my jaw as much as the first time I saw the car chase in "Bullitt."

Essentially if you're a big fan of CSI, you will fucking hate this, because whenever I catch a minute of that while flipping channels, I effectively feel lobotomized by the oversimplification and talking down to the audience. Everything is spelled out for you like you're a child, because otherwise you might change the channel to something simpler and more condescending, like Fox News. It warms my heart and puts poetry into my soul to know that Intelligent, Well-Crafted Character Pieces are slowly, from around the fringes of society, making a comeback.

So in that sense, it's from the same age as "Game of Thrones" after all. You are rewarded for paying attention, learning the characters, feeling what they feel.... and not fucking around in the kitchen until you hear an explosion and dash back to the TV to see what's happening. It will actually keep you rapt from start to finish.

And if it doesn't, well.... David Caruso still has a job. But something like "Hanna" can actively move the genre forward, while CSI, Law & Order, or The Expendables just tow the line of the tired status quo.

26 Things I Learned from 'Game of Thrones' Episode 1

--If you like a woman, fuck her from behind. Whores are for missionary and cowgirl.

--It doesn't matter what kinky shit you're into. The royal family has you beat.

--It doesn't matter what you saw. If you desert your post, your head is forfeit.

--If your mom tells you not to climb something, DON'T CLIMB IT.

--It is acceptable to call the King fat, so long as he calls you fat first.

--All dwarves are bastards in their fathers eyes.

--Yes, you can have a dog. Provided you walk it, clean up after it, train it, and bury it if it dies.

--If the King asks you to go somewhere, you fucking go. If the Prince asks you how old you are, run for your fucking life.

--There is no Dothrakian phrase for "Thank You."

--If less than three people die at a Drogo wedding, it is considered a boring affair.

--Having 40,000 sexual partners is acceptable, provided it wins your brother his throne back.

--If the dead people are not where you left them, do not go looking for them.

--The penalty for interrupting public sex is half your entrails.

--He who passes the sentence must also carry it out.

--Once the man next to you has begun fucking a whore from behind, it is common courtesy to allow him to finish before taking your turn. If you interrupt him, no one may re-enter the whore until one of you is dead.

--Let me give you some advice, bastard: Never forget who you are. Wear it like armor. And it can never be used to hurt you.

--If you live in a castle, and you hear two people having sex..... ignore it.

--If you are not sure about the quality of your breasts, your brother will give you his honest opinion.

--If you're 10 and learning to be a man, don't do it anywhere near your tomboy older sister. Also, relax your arm and don't over-think it.

--In the absence of black people, the man in the darkest cloak dies first.

--If you are female and under 18, you are either good at sports, or a vacuous shallow whore. There is no in between.

--Everyone manning the Wall is a red-shirt Ensign. Jon Snow is the only exception.

--If you are walking in the forest and the man you're facing suddenly looks at you in a frightened manner, do not look at him questioningly. Drop to the ground immediately and question it later.

--The carriage is for the prince and princess. Kings ride a fucking horse.

--Fossilized dragon eggs are still pretty.

And finally,

--If you are a European actor, you will grow up to do quality work like this. If you are an American actor, you will be cast as an extra in "Transformers 3."